A blanket of Darkness

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PTSD feels like a heavy weight, a dark blanket of sadness.

A force applying pressure downward numbing my being.

When my symptoms momentarily subside, I feel lightness return.

I notice the difference, the feeling, the emotional freedom.

I have worked hard to heal, and to be aware of my symptoms traits, strengths, and weaknesses.

When PTSD and depression are active, my waking hours are filled with turmoil, anxiety, and danger.

Desire and opportunity disappear from consciousness, we return to some form of survivor mode.

Survivor mode shuts down parts of the brain, some executive functions while activating our defense mechanism.

Survival replaces desire. Or maybe our greatest desire is to survive above all other desires.

Desire needs a safe place to exist.

PTSD never feels safe to us.

After childhood, we do not trust the world, we fear what may happen to us next.

Maybe this is why we lack direction, confidence, and self-worth.

Survival mode has no direction, it is best used sparingly for a crisis.

Daily use is terrible for our health and emotional sanity.
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5 responses to this post.

  1. I have worked diligently to uncover these underlying causes of my suffering

    It’s hard to see the big picture as PTSD is confusing and abstract.

    Our trauma is stored under extreme duress, we thought it was an imminent danger situation

    The timeline of trauma is distorted, there is no beginning, middle, and end

    it’s hard to describe the lack of trust in what the world will do to us

    I see how hopeless and terrifying my childhood experience impacted my being

    It is not easy or simple unplugging all these symptoms

    At 70, I can attest to how childhood trauma never leaves

    We grow up with dysfunctionally wired brains

    Our brains are programmed to spot and avoid danger

    Desire does not have a chance to blossom

  2. Posted by Anonymous on August 26, 2022 at 6:41 pm

    People that have a C-PTSD can either submit or fight. As a follower of this blog, I can attest to the truth in your statement “I have worked hard to heal, and to be aware of my symptoms traits, strengths, and weaknesses.“ The challenge is can we extend the moments of clarity? At times, I’ve hit that sweet spot. However I’ve noticed there’s an anxiety around it’s stay power. What about you?

  3. I have momentary clarity but then I am a mess

    My emotions are flooding right now

    Uncontrollably crying watching a bad movie is way out of character

    Something is happening
    There is always anxiety
    Tenseness in the solar plexus

    Our normal is high intensity for others

    I know others would be popping Xanax. Valium or klonopin to get thru the day

    That is a dead end though and ends horribly

    The less drugs we take the better

  4. Posted by Anonymous on August 27, 2022 at 2:52 am

    Hope you find your way to some equilibrium. Flooding in itself may lead to a break thru but I sure as hell hope you have a trusted human (meditation group?, daughter?, professional?, to help you through this challenging period.

  5. We are loners, survivalist

    We isolate and distrust

    I have a kundalini teacher

    I have done extensive therapy already

    We could go into an isolation or deprivation chamber and survive much easier than a normal person

    I do not need many humans to survive

    My view of happiness is not in the middle of a crowd

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