.
Early morning darkness has a profound silence, a haunting time to peruse the events of the coming day.
I lay in bed perfectly still, my mind always churning, searching for answers, for solutions.
Listening intently, PTSDs sirens break this stillness.
Questions pierce my consciousness, and judgments follow soon afterward.
Where has desire gone?
Since PTSD exploded a decade ago, I avoided from day one.
Desires dwindle when we avoid.
PTSD changes desires slowly as we avoid people and situations over time.
It’s like a teeter-totter, more desire less avoidance, or more avoidance less desire.
At its core is a lack of trust.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by susanraustocker on August 16, 2022 at 4:02 pm
Very wise, Marty. Woven together well. PTSD erodes trust.
Posted by Marty on August 16, 2022 at 4:05 pm
I am aware of the erosion not so good at repairing
Posted by rudid96 on August 16, 2022 at 4:41 pm
My curiosity is tweaked. Do you really desire more and less avoidance? Not looking for the reflex response “of course.”
I say I want to change, but if I really pause and sit with it, at this age, what I want is life on my terms. My thoughts and words tend to reflect the desires of an earlier time.
Now, I don’t need that many people, places, or things. I’d like to avoid less actively. It would be nice to learn empowering, kind words that allow me to drop in and out of interactions.
How much worry is worth it to you?
Is it a grooved pattern?
Posted by Marty on August 16, 2022 at 7:47 pm
Questions
I desire, desire to reignite, to have trust work
Likewise I need so much less interaction
I do not value time spent in small talk or making shallow friends
I would also like empowering words or feelings so I could drop in and out of interactions
I need so much more than words to feel at peace, or have desire
I Worry. It is a childhood habit
Worry exists because of the damage from childhood and the resentment I have for what people have done to me
I do not trust them
Words will never fix that
Posted by rudid96 on August 16, 2022 at 10:38 pm
I was hoping there would be some verbal formula for talking with people. I can do the socially appropriate greeting to tradesfolk and, when working, colleagues. However, during small talk with strangers, I always think, “why?” I met with my therapist to hand off some of my homegrown veggies and was beyond relieved that her chatter dominated the conversation. I noticed that she smiled and had a comment for most of the people passing. It was like I landed on a different planet.
Mindful Marty, that old Trust issue popped up again for me. I was wishful thinking that a word salad recipe would make conversation easier. The real issue is my lack of trust is the real blockade. This is the C-PTSD legacy.
Posted by Marty on August 17, 2022 at 3:42 pm
Desire and trust go hand in hand
We are always thinking what are they thinking
We feel.awkward at times or uncomfortable
My ptsd Marty is always evaluating and dominating my life