PTSD: is it background music for us?

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My mind developed in survivor mode, it plays as background music now, always lurking in the shadows, always looking to increase its volume.

My mind is drawn to problems (danger), like a bug to a light, it is a habitual trait, it allows the background music to amplify the tune.

Our defense mechanism is more sensitive, more developed, and more used than a normal person.

We are superstars at spotting potential danger.

Focusing on the present becomes problematic.

My emotions intensify, some of the left prefrontal cortex shuts down, we are in full-blown survivor mode.

The cognitive engine will only make things worse, he heightens panic, as he judges and grasps trauma thoughts.

Failure or Fear of failure has always been a worst-case scenario for me.

My childhood was filled with fear of failure, it became habitual, my default mode of existence.

I try to meditate, try to distract myself, try to let this bombardment of thoughts go, and try to calm down.

My mind is mush, the best I can do is play defense until the spell breaks.

I have traveled this path so often it has become a freeway.

This path is filled with pain and suffering.
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