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PTSD: The Equation that decides how we live, is desire versus risk.
If my desires lead to me being triggered, I start avoiding this danger.
Another equation is pain versus pleasure, which finds us avoiding for safety.
Many PTSD symptoms are risk aversive, avoidance leading the way.
Survival mode is how PTSD rolls.
In this mode, risks seem enormous, our perception is consumed by the danger.
Our fight or flight mechanism strongly reinforces this belief as real.
Physical mechanisms are changing and firing.
Strong chemicals are secreted to face a lethal threat.
Desires wane when complex PTSD is active.
How do we ever enjoy life, people, or feel safe?
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on August 3, 2022 at 7:31 pm
How are you doing today? Did you make it to the lake?
The past weekend put me in direct contact with abusers. Emotionally, mentally, and physically, I prepared in every way possible. Beforehand, I raged, cried, was ill, and desperately wanted to disappear. I utilized every tool that I ever learned in mental health self-care. This was, in every sense, preparing to face the enemy. I won this battle. When it was over, I was exhausted, shaking, but jubilant.
Each battle has its own preparation. I won this one.
Posted by Marty on August 3, 2022 at 7:35 pm
It’s a familiar pattern
The conclusion
Life is a battle for us
Did u win any happiness or will next time be easier
Did this heal you and how much
It took lots of preparation and courage
Posted by rudid96 on August 4, 2022 at 9:53 pm
I wish life wasn’t a battlefield. “Did I win any happiness?” In the immediate sense, yes. I didn’t self-harm to manage the unmanageable feelings. I walked away without emotional shrapnel. However, the truth is each time is unique itself. “Did I win any happiness?” At that moment, I felt powerful, like I was the captain of my own ship. That is unfamiliar, an engima.
Posted by Marty on August 4, 2022 at 9:59 pm
Great answer
I have done the same but does not make it any easier or heal me much anymore
Today I took the boys to get golf balls
I got triggered
It such a vulnerable feeling
I hate it
What does normal feel like
Posted by rudid96 on August 4, 2022 at 10:04 pm
First, I’m so sorry there was a trigger that left you feeling intense vulnerability. It makes sense that you’d hate it. “What does normal feel like?” I hate my response, but this IS what your ‘normal’ life feels like. A moment of calm engagement only to suffer the blowback. You’re doing the best you can to engage and integrate the different parts of you.