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This blog chronicles my decade-plus battle with PTSD.
Over 6,000 posts, plenty of educational expertise, sound advice, and an optimistic outlook for therapies and meditation.
I have read, researched, actively tried to heal through therapy, application, and meditation.
I could be a huge success story, working above and beyond, but I avoid people for safety.
I can not change reality.
In reality, I only venture out for my grandkids and necessities, hiking, food etc.
That means I live my life mainly in my room by myself.
I can not explain all my reasons, but I end up not going out.
After all the effort, all the therapy, all the courage in facing my demons, I do not socialize.
I avoid most people.
I have no desire to risk betrayal, trust died many years ago.
How do you climb out of this hole?
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on July 30, 2022 at 3:01 pm
I can not believe my life has turned out like this
My abuse was hidden until my late 50’s
It is difficult to share this post
It hits deep into my vulnerability
It feels shameful
Hopefully my sharing helps others
Posted by rudid96 on July 30, 2022 at 3:03 pm
“How does one climb out of this hole?” Truth be told, you’ve done it, and you’re doing it. Now it may not be equal to the benchmark you’ve mentally created but rereading old posts, I see by your own admission that you’re more knowledgable, equipped with more tools, and have limited the complete slip into the abyss.
I conjecture that this ‘stuckness.’ is your body’s embedded self-protection. No matter what your brain says, the body is there to ensure your survival. Countless others striving for a cleaner existence encounter the same struggle, myself included. We extricate one millimeter at a time. Oftentimes that’s not enough for our brains/Ego and that can be frustrating. We feel we’re disappointing ourselves and others.
Maybe we’d see more gains if we dare to take a giant step. Then again, maybe not. We still have to deal with the extreme emotional triggering of the giant step before it’s absorbed into the new norm.
Posted by Marty on July 30, 2022 at 4:21 pm
I have improved and quashed many of PTSD symptoms
That is true
I could almost not go out because of triggers and anxiety
I overcame that but PTSD brought other demons
Thanks for the kudos
Bottom line
I am still in my room
Life is very narrow
It is more by lack of desire to engage than fear
I do not enjoy social interactions for the most part
It is emotionally difficult to prepare to engage, then hard not to be anxious or uncomfortable
I breathe a big sigh of relief when I get back home
It feels like I enter danger
My inner world erupts with my going out
Posted by rudid96 on July 30, 2022 at 4:29 pm
And the “lack of desire” is the choice point. Time, wisdom, and change of PTSD energy alter the spirit. I think what I’m saying is over time, we change. Maybe we’re stuck in what we wanted instead of connecting and accepting what we find comfort in the present. I say, “I want to engage more with people,” but that’s not quite true. C-PTSD and time have allowed that ship to pass. Now I want a much smaller dose of people and peace.
Posted by Marty on July 30, 2022 at 4:47 pm
I have another side, where I can be engaging and funny, looking confidant
I have always been shy, my dad beat the shit out of me with no remorse
I have been a loner since childhood
Oh yes I have joined groups and teams
But I have one foot in
Your path resembles mine
We can engage competently and maybe enjoy it for a short period
I am going to a small lake today
All the scenarios run through my mind
I have to ignore all that or I will not go
It takes effort to engage and time to recover afterward
Posted by Don't Lose Hope on July 30, 2022 at 6:34 pm
I agree with your comment “Truth be told, you’ve done it, and you’re doing it.” You’ve made so much progress Marty. What also stands out to me, is the fact that you know yourself well, and you demonstrate healthy self-care.
Posted by Marty on July 30, 2022 at 7:26 pm
Thanks