PTSD versus strength of purpose

Life had enormous obligations and responsibilities as a kid.

I was tasked with being a great professional baseball player by age 7.

This was my father’s mandate, backed by violence and criticism.

Outstanding performances granted me a slight reprieve, perfection was demanded as criticism was his vehicle of motivation or punishment.

Life was overwhelming, anxiety and fear dominated.

My Ego was created in this dangerous and anxious-filled childhood.

My mind still reacts to life in survivor mode first, my default setting.

My first response to perceived danger is to recoil(flight) or attack(fight).

Loss and failure are always in the equation of any public encounter.

It is how my brain is wired from my earliest recollections.

I weigh the negative possibilities every time I leave the house.

I am on guard, defensive, and motivated to get in and get back home.

I can navigate and neutralize these feelings at times.

My purpose must be greater than the perceived risk.

Crowds and certain social situations are completely avoided.

A normal person would die of boredom, he/she does not have my childhood scars.

6 responses to this post.

  1. If accomplishment was related to happiness I would be a happy-go-lucky human being

    Life does not work that way

  2. Posted by rudid96 on July 23, 2022 at 5:19 pm

    Today I read an excerpt of a forward in the book “The Tibetan Book of Living & Dying by Degyal Rinpoche. Perhaps my purpose is …To create a peaceful death & alter the intergenerational dysfunction…
    “We must learn how to live well if we wish to die well.” “We cannot hope to die well if our minds have mostly been agitated by emotions like anger, attachment, or fear.” “Hoping for a peaceful death, we must cultivate peace in our mind and in our way of life.”

  3. Wow

    I try to leave death alone and hope the shit stops when I die

    Is that cynical?

  4. Posted by Anonymous on July 23, 2022 at 7:05 pm

    I don’t know if it’s cynical as much as it’s shutting down possibilities for purpose & the ‘why’ we continue to strive for a better today. I’m not afraid of death. I don’t seek it but I know it’s simply a fact. When it’s time to go, I hope to meet with it gently.

  5. I have a hard time with the emotional loss of death and finality

  6. Posted by Anonymous on July 24, 2022 at 4:16 am

    I understand. Perhaps this is another reason why I seek to understand and put meaning to it. I’m trying to soften the effect of the inevitable for myself.

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