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I have rage inside, I resent what has happened to me.
I have violent dreams and images of revenge that visit me, their strength mirrors the damage.
During the day, my trauma haunts me, I am in pain.
Focusing intently, feeling my felt sense, many hidden treasures appear or I experience outright terror.
Some of my shame is my inability to set boundaries, to react, and leave betrayal situations.
Some betrayals are worse than death, some of you understand that.
Life is not this happy-go-lucky, easy-going hug fest, our abuse dominates our life, thoughts, and nervous system.
When my fight, flight, or freeze explodes, I freeze, I collapse, the pain knocks me down, life makes no sense, and no one can be trusted.
How can my childhood impact my choices of a mate, am I defective, am I clueless, or do I deserve betrayal and unworthiness?
For some of you, that question is absurd, but I am waiting for an answer.
Where does this core of being worthy exist, does it start with attachment to a caregiver?
I picked an evil, unethical mate. I paid a high price, some of my self worth has been taken.
How, why me? I have no idea how to choose anyone trustworthy.
Why do they do so much damage?
I search but there are no answers.
None.
Wow, my resentment visits every day, it’s part of my existence, I verbalize it on this blog.
I ramble and share some of the thoughts and emotions that visit everyday.
Peace of mind is a dream.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on July 13, 2022 at 2:53 am
I write down my thoughts
It is scary reading them later
It has taken a long time to feel safe sharing my thoughts
Posted by Marty on July 13, 2022 at 3:22 am
I also have times that I shut the faucet off and focus on my heart
Calm myself and enjoy life
It is such a dichotomy
It makes no sense and sharing my thought stream proves it
Posted by FlowIntoWords on July 13, 2022 at 11:23 am
It is difficult to share those inner thoughts. It takes courage to do so as you’ve done here.
I think of my scattered thoughts as parts. Some parts live in the dark past and are unaware of present, some (like your heart part) are aware of present. That IFS parts idea helps me see and sort my feelings and thoughts better.
Still I struggle though…Rage seems to be the trickiest one for me to work through. I feel sick with it, as if I need to throw up but I can’t.
Posted by Marty on July 13, 2022 at 11:26 am
Yes IFS and stuck parts explain the different entities inside
Still they visit everyday
Thank you for sharing
It’s good to know I am not alone
Rereading that post makes me flinch
That you for your wisdom
Posted by Val Boyko on July 13, 2022 at 2:20 pm
I remind myself every day. My thoughts are not the truth. Over time I have become less attached to them. The head lives in fear and doubt. The heart knows the truth.
Posted by Marty on July 13, 2022 at 2:32 pm
Oh so true