Isolation and avoidance bring me safety

The last decade has been an adventure into isolation.

I hike, read, write, meditate and take care of necessities.

I have lived most of the last decade inside my room, alone, but not lonely.

How can that be, I fear betrayal, ridicule, and shame, it makes it is easy to avoid.

How can someone survive with this sparse contact with others?

That is hard to write, what has happened to me?

How much has a mental illness, and childhood abuse impacted my day-to-day survival?

I am smart, dedicated, resourceful, and driven, but that has little impact on child abuse.

With all my successes, I have never felt worthy at my core. I am not the only one.

For the most part, I am not lonely, maybe bored from time to time but I would rather be safe and away from people.

I desire safety.

You have to learn safety has a huge price.

Subconsciously I sense danger around people, I do not trust them intimately, ever.

How can a normal person understand that level of fear?

Happy-go-lucky is the farthest personality from me.

This has been the damage PTSD has wrought.

Anyone feel like this?

Anyone else live this?

One response to this post.

  1. I live with my daughter and three grandkids, they are my lifeline

    I will venture out to support them and then retreat to my room

    I can navigate and perform in most public situations

    I have lived as an alpha wounded male

    My life has been misguided since birth

    I was brutalized as a kid

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