PTSD: It is what we do, it is how we survive, this daily dedication to improve.

Normal kids have attachments and some positive events in childhood.

They grow up with enough support and approval to form a positive ego. How much is enough, I have no idea?

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https://unsplash.com/@iankeefe

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That forms a foundation, experiences to reference when times get tough.

Abused kids have a big void where trust and safety blossom.

Abused kids never felt safe, physically or emotionally.

Our challenge: Find a way to navigate life with little trust and big voids.

Life has always happened too fast for me. As a child, I was always wrong, always a burden, always behind.

My thoughts were about surviving my father not going to the prom or being popular.

Yes, I wanted approval, but that took a backseat to dad.

Complex PTSD never heals completely, we will deal with varying degrees of activation for the rest of our lives.

Actions: I am starting to limit the impact of certain traumas, and a small shift has occurred.

Maybe it is from a decade of intense work or I am exhausted and old.

We do our daily work without negligible results for long periods, hoping improvement is on the way.

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It is what we do, it is how we survive, this daily dedication to improve.

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I am trying to heal, I have not given up, and I am proud of myself.
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6 responses to this post.

  1. Awkward reading this last sentence now

    I am proud of myself

    Anyone else grimaces a little

    Can you write that down and say I am proud of myself?

  2. Posted by rudid96 on June 21, 2022 at 4:19 pm

    It’s ironic that the tendency for others to conquer “I’m proud of you” is easy and the ability to speak it of oneself is challenging. I wince, not when I agree with your statement. When I speak of myself, the list of inner mental checkpoints that I use to verify the accuracy of self-pride is very long. It seems easier to disbelieve the statement However, in all this self-work, I’ve at least inhaled the pausing factor. I can now say “sometimes” I’m proud of myself.

  3. It is unnatural for us

    I have only said it a few times

    Why is that

    It is not familiar

  4. Posted by rudid96 on June 21, 2022 at 6:07 pm

    It is unnatural because it was beaten, ignored, and shamed out of us. It must be reintegrated. I use the prefix ‘re’ because I believe that is the natural child state. People with less than backstories must commit to learning and then mindfully doing it. It will never feel natural but we can still learn to add this to our lives.

  5. I struggle at times

  6. Posted by rudid96 on June 21, 2022 at 8:17 pm

    I understand too. Our struggles make a lot of sense.

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