PTSD: Never Good Enough

The consequences of my dad demanding perfection: As one therapist put it, on your gravestone is etched, “Never Good Enough”.

My first revelation that my childhood was horrific came out of his mouth.

My dad never showed remorse, he was a tyrant inside our house, but his presentation toward the world was different.

Constant criticism and violence were the weapons of enforcement dad used.

I became the ultimate overachiever, fear and the need for approval dominated my life.

Being the ultimate grinder, thinking I could reach peace of mind through accomplishment failed miserably.

Failure did not dull my effort while I was younger.

Being 70, I am older and weaker, not able to muster a herculean effort and attitude anymore.

I always blamed my unworthiness for my plight.

Unworthiness was a constant companion, I thought it was my failure, not my abusive father’s.

We are so confused when our caregiver harms us.

I have studied normal people, they have amazing abilities.

They trust, attach and feel safe with each other.

They have a natural joy around others while we feel danger and mistrust.

Our anxiety and fear levels are foreign to them.

I have lived my life predominately in survival mode.

It makes all the difference in the world, survival mode is designed for surviving imminent threats, not a way of living.

A nonabused child rarely enters survival mode and if he/she does it is for short periods.

It is the difference between having peace of mind, and feeling safe compared to spotting and avoiding danger at all costs.


5 responses to this post.

  1. I think you hit the nail on the head here, Marty. If we’re not raised with a sense of safety we can never relax, or feel free to both explore and enjoy being who we are. Nor can we feel easy and relaxed with others.

  2. Thanks for the sharing.

    Feeling peace of mind or relaxation is foreign to us

    My imprint was unworthy

    Safety never existed when I was a kid

    I was in danger inside my home when dad was there.

  3. I wish you had had a different kind of father. You deserved to be loved and cherished, and treated with kindness and respect …

  4. All kids deserve that

    I find the claims therapists make quite outlandish as they tout healing childhood trauma

    30, 000 soldiers have committed suicide since 9/11

    We seem to not be able to curb suicides, so how far away is real healing

  5. Rudid96 Thought you would have a response to this post

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