PTSD; Feeling Disconnected

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When PTSD is active, life feels disconnected.

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https://unsplash.com/@kellysikkema

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It is like having a barrier between me and the world.

Avoiding or isolating enhances PTSD’s thick fog of confusion.

I inhabit my inner world when PTSD explodes.

A battle of emotions connected to traumatic thought unfolds.

It is high anxiety, and perceived danger connected to perceived fear.

The danger rarely materializes, but it does not seem to matter in this abstract world.

My life before PTSD activated was drastically different.

I did not know what PTSD was before it exploded at 55.

I had mild symptoms that we’re not recognized as PTSD, they we’re just odd habits and strange quirks.

Life changed one night, PTSD exploded, and it has never been the same.

The damage abuse wrought on a child seems permanent.

Like a soldier haunted by flashbacks, it never quite goes away.

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6 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on June 1, 2022 at 3:04 pm

    When PTSD bubbles up, these symptoms and more dominate. When in a more fluid state, they’re present but dormant.
    PTSD symptoms are a lot like my accumulated household stuff. Every once in a while, I’m inspired to clean up & purge. Minimalization is so ‘now.’ Now, I’m no slob but there’s definitely room for tossing. Like it or not, my stuff reflects both my past and present. Like-wise, so too are my PTSD symptoms. Sometimes they overwhelm. I trip over them as they clutter every room in my mind. However, now on many days, they’ve been tucked away into mental closets, dark corners, or stacked between healthy behaviors. In the popular book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up,” author, Marie Kondo suggests, “keep only what brings you joy.” I wonder, do my PTSD behaviors bring me joy? If only they were that easy to toss out!

  2. Amazing how much more hopeful we are when PTSD is dormant

    We feel powerful and more, we feel in control as much as we can

    Then it explodes and we see we have very little control

    I wish my mood swings would calm and I could enjoy life

    What do you do when you find your dominant traits from childhood are worry, doubt and worthlessness

    Those are hard wired, some form will follow us throughout life

    “Keep only what brings you joy”

    Last time I checked PTSD operates below consciousness

    So words like getting rid of your trauma have little impact

    PTSD LEADS TO SUFFERING not joy

    If only PTSD would listen and leave me alone

    Leave my mind be, take all the intrusive thoughts and emotions away

  3. Thank you

  4. Posted by rudid96 on June 1, 2022 at 4:04 pm

    I’ve come to believe that it’s impossible to toss out our C-PTSD symptoms. At best and on good days, we can do one of the following; befriend, tolerate, ignore, or live in compassionate acceptance. However, eradicating and becoming ‘normal’ is impossible. That’s why I feel your pain. I know co-existing requires us to simultaneously gently acknowledge it, honor it, and walk around it. Your blog does both of these tasks. It may not lessen the pain of the moment but you give it voice and kindness, and in whatever way is possible, walking around it and connecting with others.

  5. I wonder what the wiring of my brain would look like under functional Mri. Or your Rudid96

    We would see the difference and understand why we are like we are

    Some mind organs would be smaller while portions are off line from traumas damage

    If there is a trust center ours is out of order

    Our worry and unworthy centers are huge

    Lately, I feel vulnerable and depressed

    It is a combination of my chronic pain and PTSD and old age

    “I’ve come to believe that it’s impossible to toss out our C-PTSD symptoms.”

    soldiers in battle at 18 still live the gore and trauma of war into their 80s

    Childhood abuse happens while the brain wires and matures

    Ours matured with abuse intertwined with normal development

    If our psychological cabal had answers for PTSD the suicides would not number 30,000 in 20 years

    22 a day for one year is over 8,000 deaths

    The impact on the family is devastating

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