PTSD: hiding from the danger

I have turned down 100s of invites because my PTSD was active.

We create a plethora of excuses or tell a close friend the truth.

This is one of the reasons relationships are difficult, we have a second life no one understands.

Our friends do not have an avoidance symptom, in fact, they desire contact inside a group.

We part ways behaviorally with normal people in a drastic way around avoidance.

Remember avoidance is connected to all those intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts carry our perceived danger, our fear, and our heightened nervous system.

Avoidance has enjoyed many different intensities in the last decade.

For six months I was agoraphobic, unable to leave the house, hiding in my garage during the day, praying for dark and the end of another day.

No matter where I go, my subconscious evaluates its perceived danger, sort of a battle plan.

Always have an exit plan, a safe way to avoid danger.

Sometimes knowing I can escape settles me down.

I avoid being trapped in any situation.

It feels so real inside my head and body.

Cognitively I know all this crap is a mirage, unfortunately knowing heals little.

Healing is a path with many pitfalls.

The alternative is a hopeless, helpless existence full of suffering.

Our healing carves out what pleasure we earn on this journey.



One response to this post.

  1. I write how I feel, filtered through personal experience and all the reading I have done

    Rereading this post, it embarrasses me, this invisible demon has such power over me

    My embarrassment is part of the humiliation child abuse brings

    I strive to be normal, well I strive to improve each day

    Our foundation in childhood was built on quicksand

    I feel a lack of belonging, and connection since childhood

    I did not attach to either parent, in fact, they were unfriendly

    Distrust dominates

    The risk is to great to trust, the danger to large, the anxiety to intense, and the reward has little value for abused kids

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