Feeling Vulnerable is part of healing

.
Feeling vulnerable has many different intensities, some minor while others are paralyzing.

.

https://pixabay.com/users/alexas_fotos-686414/

.

Feeling vulnerable was a constant childhood companion.

I was force-fed a food I vomited every week (lima beans) then dad would beat me with a specially made paddle with holes drilled in it.

He would scream and berate me like I committed a mortal sin, did other kids face these things weekly?

Forced feeding is considered torture in some circles.

Now, I avoid lima means altogether, a strategy, the easiest part of my PTSD. Is sarcasm part of an abused kids DNA?

If we are going to improve, we must be able to function when PTSD intensifies or explodes.

I have hunted down my original triggers, demystified them, and calmed the fight or flight mechanism surrounding them.

They do not pose the same threat but are awkward, uncomfortable, and still contain suffering.

Yes, I avoid many things and struggle with the depressive part of my complex PTSD more than the anxiety.

Complex PTSD still has its moments of destruction and turmoil.

My behavior is still impacted but that impact has lessened.

To heal we must take risks, and exist in very vulnerable spaces.

I risk, briefly join the masses, then retreat and hide.

Oh, it’s a well-practiced habitual pattern of mine.

Be aware of your patterns!
.
.

4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on May 20, 2022 at 3:59 pm

    I wonder how common is your C-PTSD pattern? I know I share it.
    Today, a Google prompt appeared on my phone. 5 years ago in pictures…. I gave it a glance. Aside from pictures of nature, a few caused me physical pain. I vividly recall the abject despair and hopelessness. Time and hard work now prove the truth in the statement “My behavior is still impacted but that impact has lessened.”
    Daring to do different to get different, I agreed to take an evening CPR training course. If I’m to speak honestly, my intent wasn’t altruistic. I was motivated by the fact that it might utilize my brain, put me among a limited number of people, and it was a 1-and-done activity. I thought all was good until the day of. Then, the panic hit, big time. I cried, tried to think of plausible excuses, considered self-harm, and was a mess. Long story told, I attended and returned home in one piece.
    Here’s another truth –
    “I risk, briefly join the masses, then retreat and hide.”

  2. Our patterns are very similar

    Way to take risks

    Next time will not be any easier

    Now, how common is my PTSD PATTERN

    we do not trust from our earliest days.

    Relationships are difficult

    We avoid and isolate to some degree

    We were not part of the in crowd ever

    Most of us are loners at our core

    Crowds, strangers and groups bring anxiety and danger

  3. I think many who follow this blog share Many of my symptoms

    All our nervous systems are similar

    Our brains wire in survivor mode so our thought patterns are powerful negative influencers

  4. Posted by rudid96 on May 20, 2022 at 9:36 pm

    It’s a hard reality to accept. Looking back, I seem to recall that I was fine in groups but the truth was, I simply learned how to get along. I don’t enjoy being in crowds and feel more alone than when I’m alone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: