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Feeling vulnerable has many different intensities, some minor while others are paralyzing.
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Feeling vulnerable was a constant childhood companion.
I was force-fed a food I vomited every week (lima beans) then dad would beat me with a specially made paddle with holes drilled in it.
He would scream and berate me like I committed a mortal sin, did other kids face these things weekly?
Forced feeding is considered torture in some circles.
Now, I avoid lima means altogether, a strategy, the easiest part of my PTSD. Is sarcasm part of an abused kids DNA?
If we are going to improve, we must be able to function when PTSD intensifies or explodes.
I have hunted down my original triggers, demystified them, and calmed the fight or flight mechanism surrounding them.
They do not pose the same threat but are awkward, uncomfortable, and still contain suffering.
Yes, I avoid many things and struggle with the depressive part of my complex PTSD more than the anxiety.
Complex PTSD still has its moments of destruction and turmoil.
My behavior is still impacted but that impact has lessened.
To heal we must take risks, and exist in very vulnerable spaces.
I risk, briefly join the masses, then retreat and hide.
Oh, it’s a well-practiced habitual pattern of mine.
Be aware of your patterns!
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on May 20, 2022 at 3:59 pm
I wonder how common is your C-PTSD pattern? I know I share it.
Today, a Google prompt appeared on my phone. 5 years ago in pictures…. I gave it a glance. Aside from pictures of nature, a few caused me physical pain. I vividly recall the abject despair and hopelessness. Time and hard work now prove the truth in the statement “My behavior is still impacted but that impact has lessened.”
Daring to do different to get different, I agreed to take an evening CPR training course. If I’m to speak honestly, my intent wasn’t altruistic. I was motivated by the fact that it might utilize my brain, put me among a limited number of people, and it was a 1-and-done activity. I thought all was good until the day of. Then, the panic hit, big time. I cried, tried to think of plausible excuses, considered self-harm, and was a mess. Long story told, I attended and returned home in one piece.
Here’s another truth –
“I risk, briefly join the masses, then retreat and hide.”
Posted by Marty on May 20, 2022 at 4:21 pm
Our patterns are very similar
Way to take risks
Next time will not be any easier
Now, how common is my PTSD PATTERN
we do not trust from our earliest days.
Relationships are difficult
We avoid and isolate to some degree
We were not part of the in crowd ever
Most of us are loners at our core
Crowds, strangers and groups bring anxiety and danger
Posted by Marty on May 20, 2022 at 5:24 pm
I think many who follow this blog share Many of my symptoms
All our nervous systems are similar
Our brains wire in survivor mode so our thought patterns are powerful negative influencers
Posted by rudid96 on May 20, 2022 at 9:36 pm
It’s a hard reality to accept. Looking back, I seem to recall that I was fine in groups but the truth was, I simply learned how to get along. I don’t enjoy being in crowds and feel more alone than when I’m alone.