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I made a mistake yesterday on this blog.
While answering a response, trying to give a compliment, I did the opposite.
Hearing the word on the radio a few days earlier I thought it was an intelligent way of complimenting ones prose.
Now, I find out, what it means, to speak in a pompous or dogmatic manner:
Instead of complimenting, I insulted a loyal viewer with the word Pontificate.
This started my PTSD brain dissociating:
Why didn’t I look up the definition?
All those negative sirens about unworthiness chime in.
We beat ourselves up after we mess up.
Subconsciously I still seek perfection and suffer when I fail.
Failure is a conduit to suffering for me.
Why do we beat ourselves up when we mess up?
Another habit I have become aware of.
It all stems from childhood abuse and the formation of an unworthy self (”I”).
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on May 18, 2022 at 3:26 pm
Now, this post is definitely worth further examination. How DO we heal that damaged child part that sees any mistake as catastrophic and life-ending?
As a child, I was terrified to spill milk. My mother would become ballistic and retaliate with rage and violence. As an adult, when I became a teacher and later a parent, there was a conscious effort to do the opposite. All mistakes were treated with gentleness. I’ve seen so many children flourish when there’s an open opportunity for repair. That’s nurturing the seed of humanity.
From what you’ve shared here and what I’ve learned from my trauma coach (not my therapist) “Breathe in the trigger.” Welcome it and appreciate it for it served you well–back then. Today, if it could sit for just a bit, it could see that the alarm bells and fire extinguishers are unnecessary. There’s quiet energy here and a warm smile.
Posted by Marty on May 18, 2022 at 3:52 pm
Nice sentiment
My father demanded perfection in baseball and excellence in school
I tried to raise my kids the opposite of my father
In a way, I have taken my father’s place in being harsh with myself
I fear failure, loss, and humiliation
Betrayal makes me catatonic
My mind dissociatee and goes over the mistake, how could I have avoided it, what are the consequences, adding my harsh judgments
Posted by Marty on May 18, 2022 at 3:55 pm
Last respo
Expounding on the mistake
It brings the vulnerability of the last to life
My triggers surround the physical and emotional abuse as a kid
I was in danger as a child, overwhelmed, guts tight, and ready to puke at the first sight of being in his crosshairs.
Posted by rudid96 on May 18, 2022 at 9:50 pm
The lasting effects of childhood trauma are always painful to hear and worse to witness. Each is unique and yet the damage is textbook. I’m so sorry you had to endure this painful reality. I can only hope that your practice helps you return to the present and that the psychic pain will abate. Always rooting for you.