PTSD: Failure is Subjective

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/


.
My father raised me to fear failure and demanded perfection, a regular narcissistic behavior.

He told me I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, it was not a suggestion.

It was hard to fit in, to make friends when I was tasked with destroying them.

He wanted me to be separate, and isolated to strengthen his influence.

I was a thing to my father, a tool to make him look good.

Lacking empathy, he enforced his doctrine with violence and criticism, the whole experience was abusive.

Most of my desires in life were connected to this pursuit. Failure would trigger me, fear of failure impacted my behavior and nervous system

I would do almost anything to not fail.

This was true at 10, at 25 and now at 70. It has survived untouched for six decades.

How?

The drive to be perfect, a success, dominated a frantic childhood, then followed me into baseball and adult life.

Survivors of serious abuse live a life without direction, it is a dysfunctional and confusing existence.

At 30 I felt like a failure after graduating college and playing 6 years of pro baseball.

The only explanation is Complex PTSD?

Normal kids acted differently than me when I entered school.
.
.

3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on May 9, 2022 at 10:42 pm

    Your childhood abuse was focused and directed. You were tasked with being better, destroying the opposition. My abuse, in part, was neglect. My identity was only in so far as it provided feed for the narcissist. My job was to serve and shut up. My therapist doesn’t understand that experiencing myself is ephemeral at best.

  2. Understanding us is difficult

    The abuse is different the consequences similar

  3. Posted by rudid96 on May 9, 2022 at 11:51 pm

    Very true!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: