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My father raised me to fear failure and demanded perfection, a regular narcissistic behavior.
He told me I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, it was not a suggestion.
It was hard to fit in, to make friends when I was tasked with destroying them.
He wanted me to be separate, and isolated to strengthen his influence.
I was a thing to my father, a tool to make him look good.
Lacking empathy, he enforced his doctrine with violence and criticism, the whole experience was abusive.
Most of my desires in life were connected to this pursuit. Failure would trigger me, fear of failure impacted my behavior and nervous system
I would do almost anything to not fail.
This was true at 10, at 25 and now at 70. It has survived untouched for six decades.
How?
The drive to be perfect, a success, dominated a frantic childhood, then followed me into baseball and adult life.
Survivors of serious abuse live a life without direction, it is a dysfunctional and confusing existence.
At 30 I felt like a failure after graduating college and playing 6 years of pro baseball.
The only explanation is Complex PTSD?
Normal kids acted differently than me when I entered school.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on May 9, 2022 at 10:42 pm
Your childhood abuse was focused and directed. You were tasked with being better, destroying the opposition. My abuse, in part, was neglect. My identity was only in so far as it provided feed for the narcissist. My job was to serve and shut up. My therapist doesn’t understand that experiencing myself is ephemeral at best.
Posted by Marty on May 9, 2022 at 10:49 pm
Understanding us is difficult
The abuse is different the consequences similar
Posted by rudid96 on May 9, 2022 at 11:51 pm
Very true!