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At 70, therapy has been productive, however, the residual trauma combined with my dysfunctional brain wiring brings suffering.
.
.
It is all emotional but powerful, mostly abstract, and always confusing.
I fight for free parts of my day, space where PTSD thoughts fade for a while.
I do not trust the universe, the unknown, or what else could happen today, tomorrow, or next week.
I am old and weak now, the mirage of being healed has long passed me by.
It has been a driven life, grinding through decades without direction, running from something deep inside.
Deep attachments have been few, as fear and distrust made relationships shallow and dysfunctional.
Covid and old age have given my PTSD enormous power over the last two years.
Life changed instantly and drastically when my PTSD exploded during a family crisis over a decade ago.
It wears you out, even if you are brave enough to take action and improve.
It’s never-ending, the thoughts never stop, and the pain never leaves for good.
How do you stop a brain wired to spot danger, set up to worry for protection?
Therapy never rewired my brain.
How much rewiring is possible?
Do they even know?
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on May 5, 2022 at 3:47 pm
Worry has been with me forever
It is one way my mind protects itself
Worry spots the danger with emotion
My subconscious scans every environment subconsciously kind of on it’s own
My brain has always been in a hybrid survival mode
Some days I win
Other days worry is wall to wall
Posted by rudid96 on May 5, 2022 at 10:57 pm
Worry dogs your every step. I’m curious…what do you worry about?
I’m dogged by emptiness, guilt, and shame. I attend therapy but wonder – is it me or is it my therapist?
Posted by Marty on May 6, 2022 at 4:51 am
What do I worry about
I never know at times, external things can be immediate.
I fear the universe, what is going to happen to me
Worry may not be the word but one betrayal in college has enormous anger and damage
It is alive,
I worry but my shame is far worse.
Things people have done to me, I present, want revenge
My heart is dark and damaged from those I trusted
Posted by rudid96 on May 11, 2022 at 12:27 am
My therapist talked about the Buddhist belief in”forgiveness.” I didn’t respond. However last night, my mind roared with RAGE. She said forgiveness would be only for me, so I can live better. Karma will take care of the abusers. That’s candy-coated words from one that hasn’t been physically abused.
Posted by Marty on May 11, 2022 at 1:18 am
Forgiveness is hard when we continue to suffer
I have tried
Posted by rudid96 on May 12, 2022 at 3:19 pm
I read about people who have found their way to forgiveness for unspeakable acts. I agree with my therapist, in that forgiveness frees up space in the heart & mind of the victim. I’ve tried but my stomach rebels. The best I’ve been able to do is distance.
Posted by Marty on May 13, 2022 at 1:22 pm
My kundalini teacher says the mind has a hard time forgiving
She says it is through the heart is where healing will happen.
Posted by rudid96 on May 14, 2022 at 3:43 pm
Phew, that’s a difficult one. Perhaps someday….
Posted by Marty on May 14, 2022 at 3:45 pm
For me too
I have tried opening my heart and it is painful and awkward