.
My kid brain was always grappling with fear, worry, and doubt, always receiving negative feedback from my caregivers, always anxious, and on edge.
This made a lasting impact on early habits, the fear must have been off the charts to emblazon such a permanent trait.
Worry, doubt, and fear were my dominant emotions, I hid back then, trying to avoid failure.
I find myself at 70 becoming aware of this negative river flowing under the surface, in my subconscious.
It is all abstract, the mind’s pattern of thought, our neural network, what comes out of the ether.
What’s the point?
To attempt change, awareness is the first necessity.
How do you change that which precedes thought, and consciousness?
My fear and worry show up before thought.
So far my successes have come from discounting the fear and worry after they enter consciousness.
I am at a loss to change my worry and doubt in my subconscious, sort of changing the wiring of my brain.
At 70 is that even feasible.
Healing starts with awareness.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by melissalafontainetheblog on May 2, 2022 at 3:48 pm
I hear that. Sometimes it all seems too big!
Posted by Marty on May 2, 2022 at 4:51 pm
So you share my experience of fear or worry arriving before you can think?
Mine has always been there, much more intense when PTSD is active
Posted by melissalafontainetheblog on May 2, 2022 at 5:20 pm
Yep. It’s like an invisible elephant taking up tons of space that I’m always moving around and often only recognizing what has made me move in such a way after the fact
I think it might be preverbal trauma. But that’s just a guess.
Posted by Marty on May 2, 2022 at 5:22 pm
We can not be the only ones then
Posted by melissalafontainetheblog on May 2, 2022 at 5:29 pm
Right
Posted by Marty on May 2, 2022 at 7:22 pm
Pre verbal trauma. Interesting
Mine feels hard wired
Running without my awareness or input
Posted by melissalafontainetheblog on May 2, 2022 at 9:48 pm
That reminds me of the Big 5 personality traits. Some people are hard wired to be more sensitive and anxious. You could be picking up cues without knowing it. Especially if you’ve ever be keen on dissociating.
I’m sensitive by nature. I think that’s what made it all the more sticky.
Posted by Marty on May 3, 2022 at 12:43 pm
Growing up in survivor mode, danger is always close, so worry and doubt always tag along
These constructs are there before my thought
Posted by rudid96 on May 3, 2022 at 1:42 pm
Yesterday, I did the unthinkable. I joined a few ladies (known them for years) for dinner. I’d agreed to this 8 months ago. That didn’t calm the sky-rocking panic earlier in the day. I was in tears, desperately contriving stories to gracefully exit. But, this time, I went. It was a Ying and Yang mix. A lot of preparation and after-care. I used Kristen Neff’s ‘Compassionate Care’ meditation to ground me before and after. Can’t say I loved the experience but I did it?
Posted by Marty on May 3, 2022 at 1:44 pm
How do we find happiness in the midst of this turmoil
I mean even if we have tomcourage to face our fears it takes an enormous toll
We suffer more than the pleasure of the event most times
Does it make it easier to go out the next time
For me it is an equivocal no way
Posted by Marty on May 3, 2022 at 1:50 pm
So we isolate and suffer when we do expose ourselves.
This is our life, really
And friends tell me all I have to do is let it go and I will be ok
Are they insane
How can we explain what we experience, his much anxiety and fear we deal with
Mostly abstract, but we suffer as it is real
Even as I heal PTSD brings suffering from mundane things normal people enjoy and look forward too
How are we not to feel different from normal people
Look at our lives and the danger we face over things they enjoy