Swimming Upstream

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For abused kids, PTSD happens way before we have any understanding of trauma.

For me, PTSD came into my consciousness around 55 after a family crisis.

Many subconscious symptoms had become habits, under the radar during those 50 years.

I always avoided, isolated without knowing the reason.

We call ourselves homebodies, a pleasant way of saying, loners.

My circle of friends was small, trust was always an issue in my life.

As I peruse my life at 70, this is the landscape.

I can change some things and strive to improve what is possible.

Even if we have to swim upstream, we have to swim or suffer.

We just do not get as far as regular humans.

I never expect to be normal, my expectations are grounded and doable.

We all can improve, that is our daily challenge.

This is our daily battle of doing the work, the road less traveled.

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It is easy to give up, to numb ourselves, to act like a victim.

Being scared, vulnerable but still taking action is our goal.

PTSD is a very personal disorder, our sanity is at stake.
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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on April 28, 2022 at 2:44 pm

    Still Swimming…..
    Today, I noticed a few teensy shifts in my being. Most would find it unremarkable, unworthy of taking note. However, from a C-PTSD long-hauler, it is these micro-changes that allow the swimming to continue.
    Upon awakening, I intentionally greet the day as I would a friend.
    I embrace my quiet morning routine with gratitude & appreciation.
    This doesn’t sound like much but PTSDers will understand, the impact of minuscule alteration.
    PTSD fears change. The old ‘dammed if we do and dammed if we don’t’ keep our mind and body frozen in time. This theme has dictated my childhood and adult life.
    This morning, I sat in the quiet, watching the steam curl from my coffee mug. Slowly, the thought dawned upon me, “I like my morning routine.” “It’s not wasteful,” “I’m not a waste.” The choices I’ve woven into this morning routine are the launchpad of the new day. They are good enough. The selection of music, reading material, and the time spent reflecting and responding to carefully selected Blogs, are all valuable – to me.
    It’s all worthy. Embrace them.
    For someone who’s spent a lifetime disconnecting from Self, this is huge.
    From the day I arrived on this planet, I was systematically reminded, that I was disposable, less than, never good enough & guilty for even the smallest of pleasures. The rest of the world moved with purpose which did not include me.
    Today, I surrender to the knowledge that PTSD symptoms are part of my being.
    Instead of fighting it, I welcome in these past selves with great love and gratitude, and, with an open mind and heart, ready for my next breath of new life.

  2. They are good enough

    Beautiful

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