Achievement and successes only dull the demons momentarily.

After a decade plus of serious meditation, My inner world exploration, some deep healing and certain brain patterns become apparent.

My brain thinks failure can happen today, at 70, it is my brain’s default.

This happens before thought, it is how my brain is wired, I spot danger, possible failure before all else.



It is a curse.

It’s not PTSD, it is the way my brain wired around abuse, fear was always present as a kid without a chance of escape.

My PTSD part thinks something can happen today that could make my life a total failure.

My self-worth was built on a foundation of quicksand, lack of attachment as a child.

How do you fix my brain wiring at 70?

I have 60 years of practicing living in fear.

It is gratifying to understand myself, my behavior, my personally and specifics.

I strived for achievement, temporary worthiness all my life, its glow dulled in weeks, all successes were temporary, returning inside the void (unworthiness) in my chest.

I find joy in serving others, my grandkids.

Inside me joy is absent, worthiness is a stranger, fear is a companion, life is brutal, and suffering is a toxic friend.

One response to this post.

  1. The lack of attachment and abuse wired my brain to survive, this hinders executive function, resulting in a brain that is scared and confused.

    Think how life would be if the school bully was your father.

    No escape, no hope, life is way out of our control.

    We never have a reference point to go back to.

    We never had attachments as kids, we were loners by force.

    Understanding why my mind thinks I can fail today is powerful

    I can discount this judgment,

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