PTSD: I fear my Mind!

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I fear my mind when it’s not focused, When distraction is waning or when boredom spooks me.

PTSD preys on me in old age, memories haunt me, as my well-being is threatened.

This is the daily battle, the lifelong war against childhood abuse.

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I am happy when I am supporting my grandson’s baseball team, when I meditate, when I am lost hiking in the woods etc.

Later in the day, the darkness arrives, I fear what’s coming, and my mind races.

Entering the twilight zone, old memories come alive, and past tragedy is projected onto a future, unknown crisis.

Nothing is solid, highly abstract, almost undefinable, confusion reigns in this space.

Time is distorted, thoughts are jumbled, and sequences are out of order.

Since childhood I did not expect things to turn out ok, you just navigate life the best you can.

This is when I retreat into my bedroom, my ultimate safe spot.

We never live life fully, never stop watching for danger, for criticism, for betrayal.

We get lost, retreat, think too much about taking risks beforehand.

We never let loose, become happy go lucky in any situation.

I am guarded around others, most of the time I wish I were back home or out in nature.

Life does not to work out in my PTSD world.
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One response to this post.

  1. It is not easy sharing and writing blunt honest posts

    I wish I could write how I have gained mastery over my PTSD

    But the reality is much different

    No matter how much work I do PTSD still has its big moments and small ones also

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