.
My healing and improvements are not constant, not static, and not consistent.
Certain triggers, fears, and unworthiness remain with power.
I have times that are freer than other times, happier for short periods.
The issue is right below our consciousness, abuse and its damage thrive from time to time.
That terrified little boy and that betrayed college kid never feels worthy or safe for very long.
I carry my damage, my shame inside my body and mind forever. It is in there, hidden where we can not access it consciously.
At 70 my PTSD visits me daily, symptoms vary in intensity and duration from mild to severe.
One hour life is moving along, some enjoyment and ease are noticeable, then in an instant something triggers a memory., life changes back into abuse.
I do not expect healing to ever make me feel worthy or have peace of mind that I am okay.
How can I explain that to a non traumatized person?
My happiness has to exist amid my damaged brain.
Neuroscientist say our brain wired differently.
That wiring causes suffering for a lifetime, it is damaged or broken in my opinion.
It will never resemble a normal brain no matter how much rewiring you think you can accomplish.
Childhood abuse damages the child, who grows into a damaged adult.
We will never be completely free of triggers, worry, doubt, unworthiness, or anxiety.
Our best result will be a daily battle for control of our brain.
If you think total healing is possible you will suffer greatly.
My expectations are more realistic.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by ©Sara-Loretta Hardin on June 15, 2022 at 9:59 pm
We will never be completely free of the damage done as survivors of abuse but with the courageous stories of others it can be inspirational for people to not feel so alone and have that sense of support. Peace, bliss, and light to you!