My Dad: My abuser,

Look at those locks, early 1970’s


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I grew up in a bubble of fear, fear of what my dad would do first, he had a feather trigger, could become violent in seconds.

Dad was only 16 when mom got pregnant, he was young, volatile, and resented the hell out of me.

The world did not recognize my dad’s greatness, his answer was to have a son who was the greatest baseball player on the planet.

This was not a request or suggestion, he was damn serious. I was told I needed to be twice as good as everyone else.

He beat me every week multiple times with a specially designed large paddle.

To this day, I do not know how my father could beat me so violently. I could never hit my kids, guess you see why.

My therapist asked me one day, did he beat you anywhere it showed. I never realized how calculated that son of bitch was.

He was an angry, resentful man who drank way too much.

He resented people and the world, he was a narcissist, a violent alcoholic on top of that.

He taught me to distrust people and the world.

He called it killer instinct, when you have an opponent down, you crush them, their will, you let them know they can never beat you.

Hard to make friends or be one of the guys when dad wants you to destroy other kids..

His distorted perception of the world was passed onto me.

Dad and me against the world, that little boy got
lost, traumatized, and suffered.

This was his war but he stole my childhood and life until I left for good.

I was his pit bull, all that was missing was the cage to transport me to the competition.

This is at the core of my healing, my discovery and awareness of my childhood abuse lead to improving over time.

I know healing will never be complete or life will never resemble a normal person’s life.

As an adult my father was intimidated and afraid of me.

He was not so brave facing a grown man, me.

I have told my daughter not to have me buried anywhere near him, cremate me and spread me around the mountains.

If I give up or become a victim, my father wins.

That is purpose enough to never give up.
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8 responses to this post.

  1. Really there are some dad who do the same thing with their kids to fulfil their own dreams don’t understand the kids mind! Well shared 👌

  2. Oh I am not alone

    Many kids are things to their parents

  3. Yes right you are not alone.

  4. Being alone in this would be so much more devastating.

    I am not a victim, do not feel sorry for myself, but I have suffered from my exoerience

  5. Posted by Kelli on March 2, 2022 at 2:15 pm

    God bless you that you survived and freed your soul and yourself. Many adults suffered abuse at the hands of violent fathers, thankfully you realized it was him and not you. Sadly they did not have treatment years ago for our parents things were not talked
    about outside of the home.

  6. Survived I do not know about the freed soul part

    Thanks for your response and insight

  7. What a powerful story, thanks for sharing, you are so brave ⭐️

    https://emmaswritingthings.wordpress.com/2022/04/24/the-intentions-of-the-abuser/

  8. Thanks

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