Ptsd: We fear the unknown (perceived) about to happen to us!

At 70 nearing the end of life, past trauma and abuse flash before me, unconscious feelings and emotions from childhood have survived until now.


Todd Trapani


Waking up in a numb state, unconscious feelings of loss, harm or failure permeate my being, my initial reaction is to hide, to avoid what damage is inevitably coming.

For me, the fear of the unknown which is about to happen has always been present. My daily childhood existence carried great danger, physical and emotional abuse was going to happen and soon.

You can not escape as a kid, you are helpless, this real prison turns into an invisible prison when we reach adulthood.

How do seriously abused kids trust life? People?

Watching others live a normal life, enjoying happy emotions, feeling safe around others, puzzles us.

I have happy-go-lucky friends who are confident everything is going to turn out alright.

Abused kids never have these feelings, happy go lucky is born inside a loving and supportive childhood.

I spot and avoid danger as much as possible, fight off daily intrusive thoughts.

Unfortunately, this consumes so much of life and leaves a barren battlefield inside my head.

Ptsd and depression sabotage long term goals, we get lost, sidetracked inside the confusion of trauma.

At times trauma thoughts run rampant for days, depression grows as optimism has never had much of a chance at gaining a foothold.

At 70 my childhood abuse is alive, like I was 12 again.

2 responses to this post.

  1. So sorry it is such a tough cross and for so long. I pray you will find peace

  2. Thank you

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