“I’ve done lots of things in my life but somehow, I’m empty and cannot grasp an inner sense of self.” Rudid96 writes.

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Rudid96 writes, “I’ve done lots of things in my life but somehow, I’m empty and cannot grasp an inner sense of self. My psyche is now a fusion of oppositional desires. The Protector part always seems to win out.”

My two cents: Serious childhood abuse leaves us without autonomy, a true sense of self.

We witness others who have an inner calm, a feeling of enough safety that the Protector parts, the parts that spot danger and try to avoid damage stay silent.

This battle prevents a normal existence, we are rarely at peace long enough to map out a future direction.

We have no idea who we are, a fusion of oppositional desires describes the turmoil inside.

Our inner battle leaves us filled with negative emotions.

We battle to survive, our self-worth and ego are flawed.

Our addiction is dealing with the aftermath of childhood abuse (complex PTSD), not alcohol or drugs.

In this confusing maze, we lose any sense of a healthy self, a deserving human being.

How do we curtail this battle so we can plan life, know who we are, escape this invisible prison?

I have improved, calmed my fight or flight mechanism, but the demon retains enough power to steal my sanity.
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5 responses to this post.

  1. There is a gift in the middle of this awareness, I released the guilt and responsibility for my abuse and symptoms

    My lack of planning and failures to achieve is trauma-based

    Healing repairs some, the rest we carry for life

    It is a balance between healing and living in the present

  2. Posted by Anonymous on January 25, 2022 at 4:47 pm

    Wow!! Marty, this post is really hitting me deeply. Ha, but it is not on a verbal level. I certainly feel the emptiness of self. Maybe just waiting for next emergency to respond to, and protect my self, Which makes no sense if there is no self.

  3. Thanks for responding

    Our self is fragmented

    Parts do not like other parts

    Waiting for the next emergency

    We do that from instinct from our abuse

    Hard to plan to be optimistic when we are tuned to the next emergency

    I think you have described it perfectly

    We live in a sort of crisis mode

    Feeling safe and free is not the focus

    A healthy self (ego) spends little time watching for emergencies, PTSD is absent from their mind

    Many are optimistic.

    Waiting for the next emergency is the opposite of optimism

  4. Posted by rudid96 on January 26, 2022 at 12:13 am

    Thank you for capturing the essence of what I was trying to express. I’m engaged in a secret life battle. Perhaps one of those mythical therapists I read about may actually understand but I’ve yet to meet one. My therapist yammered endlessly yesterday about trauma and anxiety. She can’t seem to grasp that acknowledging and welcoming my own presence provokes an involuntary revulsion. The head acknowledges that I’ve replicated my abuser’s behavior but my fearlessly experiencing oneself in the world without habitual dissociation continues to elude my inner Parts.
    COVID symptoms can include the loss of smell and taste. This is maddening and patients are relieved upon its return. My therapist can’t seem to grasp the similar frustration of being outwardly healed while inwardly numb.

  5. My therapist yammered endlessly yesterday about trauma and anxiety. She can’t seem to grasp that acknowledging and welcoming my own presence provokes an involuntary revulsion The head acknowledges that I’ve replicated my abuser’s behavior

    You have never shared this before

    Hurt people hurt people

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