Rudid96 asks am I afraid of my triggers?

.

https://unsplash.com/@mischievous_penguins

.

I am not afraid, I have chased my triggers down, brought my meditation practice physically into the center of that mechanism.

I sat in public places while my fight or flight fired, then used my focused breath to dissipate the cortisol and adrenaline.

My fight or flight calmed and stopped firing because of any trauma trigger.

I do avoid though, pick and choose where I go, not out of fear but more discomfort or lack of reward.

I do not fear my triggers but that did not restore my trust.

Ptsd has altered the way I exist, how few I trust.

Ptsd has changed and matured for me, gone is the high anxiety fear, replaced by the thoughts and depression.

I can navigate life, choose where and when I participate.

My fear is more from the unknown about to happen, I do not trust life.

If you were born into narcissistic control and violence, it is hard to think things will turn out alright anytime in your life.

Looking back the loss of trust has done the most damage.

The risk of betrayal is what I fear, Rudid96.

I have never felt safe around people, my existence is shallow.

It has shaped my personality and narrowed my life.
.
.

3 responses to this post.

  1. Ptsd has another impact

    We spend so much time fighting PTSD while trying to navigate life, planning for the future, having a long-term goal or visualization of who I am and will be, never seems to happen.

    I am lost in trauma triggers or memories instead planning my life

    I excelled at my jobs but there was no strategic plan, ptsd occupied my life.

    I overachieved at everything, work, play, etc.

    Seeing my potential, planning for the future was always in the background.

    Navigating trauma, avoiding people, distrust of almost everyone, occupied my time

    I got lost inside my symptoms and anxiety

    I played in front of 35,000 but could not speak in front of ten

    To this day, my shame and unworthiness from childhood makes public speaking one of my biggest fears

    I resist putting myself in a place where others will judge me

    Hard to believe I was a too salesman later in life

    Like putting on a uniform, sales had a score board, I became something else during work hours then retreated back inside

  2. Posted by rudid96 on January 25, 2022 at 12:11 am

    It’s sad to hear the resignation in your voice. You stated “planning for the future, having a long-term goal or visualization of who I am and will be, never seems to happen.” I understand what that means and believe that’s the legacy for most that experienced extended childhood trauma and neglect. I’ve done lots of things in my life but somehow, I’m empty and cannot grasp an inner sense of self. The extended results of my own experience have led to a limited life. My psyche is now a fusion of oppositional desires. The Protector part always seems to win out. It’s gratifying to calm the beast of flooding adrenalin and cortisol, but I want more. I want to free myself from the rest of the burden. So far, it’s uphill.

  3. How do you explain to anyone

    What the inner sense of self is

    I wandered through life

    Oh hard working and dedicated but lost

    Unworthiness takes a toll

    I still have no idea what I wanted to be

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: