Do we ever break free of childhood abuse and habits?

I find the isolation and lack of autonomy the most damaging scars from my childhood.



My father was a puppetmaster, he told me who I would be, what I would believe in, and who I could be or could not be friends with.

He controlled the depth of all friendships, and others he did not like.

All the stats say community, having support is excellent for healing.

I have no history of community except for team sports and I guess work.

My dad isolated me for greater control, whether it damaged me or not, a narcissist does not give a shit.

I could not function inside my house, how would I survive the outside world.

My dad assumed part of my being, autonomy was too risky for him.

No way he would even let a thought of going against his will survive.

His hair-trigger volatility and penchant for violence against me were always loaded.

To this day I struggle to know who I am or repair my damaged ego.

Abused kids are rarely trusting or open to others, many warm feelings are unknown to us.

What a dilemma!

As an old retired guy, reaching out has become much harder, my trauma erupting has brought suffering and fear.

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on January 13, 2022 at 10:47 pm

    Without a doubt, growing up in dysfunction with the abuser at the helm twists and stunts the developing child’s ego & sense of self, and trust. Others that have also suffered childhood abuse consistently find difficulty in being joyfully present both in body and in mind when with others. The repeated abuse promoted one-foot-out-the-door hypervigilance. I know this hasn’t changed for me. Aging elevates my cautiousness; physically, mentally, and emotionally. That youthful resiliency isn’t there. It takes a lot of preparation and energy to engage. I’m wondering if radical acceptance permits greater acceptance for the limited life while still making room for the occasional step forward?

  2. In my younger years I could outwork trauma

    Keep busy enough and strong enough to distract myself

    There was never times where I enjoyed peace of mind or healthy ego or ever trusted people

    Now with all my sports injuries and weakening body Ptsd has powered up

    To think this is going to change before I die is a huge stretch of imagination

    I mean people all have this hope

    All I can say they have never endured what I have

    I am not a victim

    Pull my chain and I may kick ur ass

    I am not some ptsd scared victim

    I have plenty of stored rage

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