.
Reading some of my latest posts, I am embarrassed, shocked at how hopeless my words convey.
.
Deep depression does not look good in person or on paper.
Dealing with my childhood abuse, I have done a great job of calming my nervous system and integrating significant parts of my trauma.
I guess I handle anxiety, the firing of my fight or flight mechanism, the symptoms of hypervigilance, fear, and avoidance better than depression.
Ptsd brought desperation but it was for short periods, it was a battle with Ptsd.
My strength is handling the physical challenges, the pain, the injuries, my vulnerability is the emotional betrayals and losses.
In my 60’s, Guilian Beret left me paralyzed from the neck down, ICU for two months, followed by another two months in rehab.
Doctors, physical therapists, occupational therapists all said I would be in a wheelchair for a minimum of a year and possibly two.
Ten days later I got up from that wheelchair and took three very shaky steps.
The doctors and nurses were stunned, I was a devoted meditator and a former pro athlete, this was my element.
As accomplished at physical challenges as I am, it highlights my weakness with emotional betrayal and depression.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and then we have our blind spots.
Betrayal and depression are my vulnerabilities.
.
PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on January 11, 2022 at 4:26 pm
I was struck by the polarity of your expressed strengths and vulnerabilities. It must be quite daunting with a foot in both camps.
Posted by Marty on January 11, 2022 at 4:32 pm
I got beat several times each week, at some point I decided to never let him see me cry
I hated that son of a bitch, but his relentless criticism and shaming is what damaged me
I could handle the physical pain
Without the talent of being able to run fast or jump high, I was below average in skills
That skill to endure pain and work out incessantly landed me in three hall of fames with a professional baseball career
Ptsd caught up with me and I quit, walked away from my dream
My betrayal in college made my dreams worthless
Shame made me run away and hide for decades
Depression sucks the life out of me
I had no core of support in my childhood, no mentor or someone who I could turn to, and college was the betrayal that made my childhood unbearable
Did the supreme being think I needed to be sexually public shamed after my childhood
I do not understand why
Posted by Sara on January 11, 2022 at 4:37 pm
I can relate to this post so much. Thank you for sharing this. 💕
Posted by Marty on January 11, 2022 at 4:38 pm
My posts lately are hard to read, hard to know how damaged I am
It brings guilt I can not overcome this
Posted by Sara on January 11, 2022 at 4:43 pm
I know this feeling. I feel like I’m drowning in depression lately as well. Please know that your words brought a bit of comfort to me – a recognition that I am not alone. I know it doesn’t make the weight of it all go away, but I hope it can provide even an ounce of comfort to you as well. 💕
Posted by Marty on January 11, 2022 at 4:44 pm
How can we explain the power of abuse
My days are filled with trying to escape from depression and shame
It fills my spirit, people are cruel, life has been filled with violence or the threat if violence until I was 30
Posted by rudid96 on January 11, 2022 at 4:44 pm
I don’t believe in a “supreme being.” I think your abusive childhood was at the crater-filled foundation for the challenges of navigating what for many, is the difficult years of transitioning from teens to adulthood. Those of us with crater-foundations are particularly vulnerable. I know my experience was horrific. Almost didn’t make it out alive. Tooks years before I was able to reorient myself to a more integrated (notice I didn’t say better) place. These adverse childhood experiences seem to tattoo our hearts and minds. Speaking for myself, there are certain behaviors where my hypervigilance and reactivity still influence my current way of being.
Age may give one perspective but can make the memories loom larger. It’s a daily challenge!
Posted by Marty on January 11, 2022 at 4:45 pm
Thanks for the kind words, we journey together
Posted by Marty on January 11, 2022 at 4:48 pm
Very well expressed Rudid
I agree
I feel
Well after all I have overcome why do I still suffer
Why can’t I just let things go like my friends tell me
I have been told I did not want to heal
Yeah, that pissed me off and I let my anger fly at that accusation
You get one chance to say something triggering like that
Posted by Michelle Denness on January 11, 2022 at 7:34 pm
❤
Posted by Michelle Denness on January 11, 2022 at 7:37 pm
Thank you for being so open and raw. I know it’s not easy Marty and I can feel your pain and wish that I could lift it from you but I can’t. I hear you and send you love ❤
Posted by Marty on January 11, 2022 at 8:47 pm
Thanks