How much shame can a person endure?

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How……… DEEP…….does depression sink for a seriously abused kid, who reaches 70, weakened from chronic pain and PTSD, damaged to his core?

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I find myself beyond shame at times, beyond any familiar place, desires have no oxygen, life has become a wasteland.

Things are broken internally, worry, fear, and worthlessness haunt me.

I celebrate when darkness comes, in bed alone, all covered up, feeling safe that another day has been navigated.

It’s all inside my damaged brain.

I am broken.

Ptsd brought fear and intense anxiety, much different than depression, which links with my shame to power my destructive behaviors.

It’s like a deep well, a claustrophobic narrowness with no bottom, no light and little hope.

I have no explanation for the cruelty of birth and people.

Some of us abused kids have suffered a lifetime from the damage done.

We live a life of avoidance, non attachment, danger is a constant companion.

My life is entirely irrational, my mind has been fighting a war inside my head.

The physical damage has faded, the betayals never leave.

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