I wish it would stay dark, morning would not arrive, prolonging my avoidance of the world
Laying in bed early in the morning, a new day greets me with Ptsd symptoms, anxiety, depression, fear, worry, and a foreboding sense of shame.
.
.
Danger, violence, and betrayal surround me, knowing it is irrational does not stop that snowball from rolling down that hill.
The symptoms and damage are real. The thoughts are irrational and biased, called implicit memory (stored trauma).
Abused kids’ brains are wired differently, altered to survive childhood, sensitive to danger, and proficient at surviving and avoiding.
Life is reactionary and premeditated, we feel vulnerable around people, taking risks is dangerous.
My symptoms and thoughts tell one side of the story, the way I live my life shines a light on the damage done.
I avoid people when possible, limit my contact and chances for betrayal.
Ptsd brings enough fear that it destroys desire, it diminishes the little pleasure I enjoy.
Ptsd has made me a loner of the highest degree.
I would be content if my suffering and isolation would calm.
My PTSD has exploded again, trying to stop the pain has become a mission.
My mind has become the enemy, abuse has overwhelmed my sense of value.
Weakening as I age has made my PTSD more powerful.
It is not the explosion of my fight or flight mechanism, the dumping of cortisol and adrenaline anymore, it is a deep depression, worthlessness, and harsh betrayal that haunts my waking thoughts.
Pain and suffering are daily companions, feeling worthy, feeling attached and calm are foreign emotions.
I can not find the door out this time.
The escape route is hidden in the confusion of latent trauma.
My life is highly irrational, I search for the key to enter a calmer existence.
Will I ever trust or feel a little contentment?
.
.
PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on January 2, 2022 at 5:15 pm
One of my bad habits is expecting abuse, looking for ways to avoid it
Worry comes with early abuse, we are helpless, small, and powerless
Stress or a crisis, I revert back to my survival mode, avoiding, hiding or attacking
Hiding from our own mind is impossible, I have tried
Posted by rudid96 on January 2, 2022 at 5:15 pm
Will you ever “trust or feel contentment?” Only you can answer that question.
As I watch my aged narcissistic parent move closer to life’s end, she’s an embodiment of what it looks like to live as if already dead. Since my parent can no longer be the tyrant, running the show, now, by choice, it’s operational only; eating, eliminating, staring at the TV, & sleeping. Growing up, the overwhelming theme was dictatorial and unforgiving. I’m determined to live differently.
So, will trust or contentment ever be experienced? Speaking for myself, my lifeforce is committed to creating openings for change and not living out the trauma, betrayal, and abuse.
Posted by Marty on January 2, 2022 at 5:18 pm
Good insight, as if they are already dead
I grew up and my father was afraid if me as an adult, unfortunately, that did nothing to lessen the power of the childhood abuse
I actually threatened my father as an adult and he wanted no part of me.
My narcissistic dad was a bully he abused me but was a coward with grown men
Posted by Michelle Denness on January 3, 2022 at 7:58 am
Sending love and strength to you…
Posted by rudid96 on January 4, 2022 at 11:37 pm
When the parent is somewhere on the Narcissistic continuum, especially when they’re more abusive, they will never apologize or remotely acknowledge their part in the trauma and dysfunction. It’s no surprise that Mindful Marty’s father couldn’t replicate his abuse with grown men. They’re true bullies and cowards. They hide behind age or any other escape behaviors. To be honest, I still find it difficult, and when not vigilant, my mind begins to ruminate. That’s never a good thing. Michelle Denness, with gratitude, gladly accept any love and strength sent my way. 🙂
Posted by Marty on January 5, 2022 at 12:04 am
The damage is over with long before we grow up
Revenge sounds great but that cures nothing
My dad feared me as an adult
I did not have much of a relationship with him
I moved a cross the country
Far far away
Rudid
I do not give up
I stumble and get depressed
But I get back up
Posted by fgsjr2015 on January 6, 2022 at 1:38 am
If physically survived, emotional and/or psychological trauma from unhindered toxic abuse usually results in a helpless child’s brain improperly developing. If allowed to continue for a prolonged period, it can act as a starting point into a life in which the brain uncontrollably releases potentially damaging levels of inflammation-promoting stress hormones and chemicals, even in non-stressful daily routines. I consider it a form of non-physical-impact brain damage.
The lasting emotional and/or psychological pain from such trauma is very formidable yet invisibly confined to inside one’s head. It is solitarily suffered, unlike an openly visible physical disability or condition, which tends to elicit sympathy/empathy from others. It can make every day a mental ordeal, unless the turmoil is treated with some form of medicating, either prescribed or illicit. …
I used to be one of those who, while sympathetic, would look down on those who’d ‘allowed’ themselves to become addicted to alcohol and illicit drugs. Yet, though I have not been personally affected by the opioid addiction/overdose crisis, I myself have suffered enough unrelenting ACE-related hyper-anxiety to have known, enjoyed and appreciated the great release upon consuming alcohol and/or THC.
Upon learning that serious life trauma (e.g. adverse childhood experiences) is so often behind the addict’s debilitating addiction, I began to understand ball-and-chain self-medicating: The greater the drug-induced euphoria or escape one attains from its use, the more one wants to repeat the experience; and the more intolerable one finds their sober reality, the more pleasurable that escape should be perceived. By extension, the greater one’s mental pain or trauma while sober, the greater the need for escape from reality, thus the more addictive the euphoric escape-form will likely be.
Posted by Marty on January 6, 2022 at 2:36 am
We will do anything to stop the pain
Numbing is only time we feel normal, freer, worthy
The demon disappears yo let the real me out for an hour or two
Regular always sucked
Posted by joypassiondesire on January 6, 2022 at 12:37 pm
I wish you can find your way to feel better again. One moment at a time. 🙏 Thank you for sharing.
Posted by Marty on January 6, 2022 at 4:36 pm
Thank you very much
Your kindness makes me smile
Posted by ATD on March 15, 2022 at 2:36 am
Do you engage any kind of therapy? I hope you can find your way through this spell.
Posted by Marty on March 15, 2022 at 2:56 am
Thank you for asking.
It would seem like I have had no contact with a therapist or be knowledgeable about PTSD.
I have tried EFT, TFT, EMDR, hypnosis, cranial sacral, acupuncture, CBT, ACT, EDIT, holistic, two intuitive, internal family system
Plus meditating for five hours a day for five years at one point.
Reading every book on therapy, war, neuroscience, nervous system, and spiritual healing.
I am open to all things and have devoted a decade to nothing but trying to heal.
So yes I have tried therapy
Posted by Marty on March 15, 2022 at 2:57 am
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
🙏