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I was afraid as a kid, my earliest memories contain fear, an invisible demon.
Without a developed brain to deflect the abuse, fear became a dominant emotion.
Fear negatively impacted my nervous system, instead of attachment, my brain was on high alert for danger.
So many of our habitual behaviors were to avoid danger.
We anticipated danger, analyzed every situation before going anywhere.
This does not develop a positive attitude, an open heart or a curious mind.
My childhood was about pleasing then avoiding my father.
The specific do not matter, my brain wired under extreme duress and fear. So did many of your brains.
Somehow, from reading, meditating and therapy, I feel free to share, helping others I hope.
We do not cure serious childhood abuse, we navigate the triggers, hopefully make their duration less, then try to live in the present.
Mundane things others do effortlessly, take an emotional and physical toll on us.
We are different.
We are more serious, more cautious, we fear shame and betrayal more than wanting pleasure.
No normal person can get their head around that concept.
My advice, retreat when necessary, accept the difficulty, but never, ever give up.
I have woken up to my trauma fears every day of my life.
I am not the only one.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on December 31, 2021 at 6:40 pm
Abstract violent trauma fear is not defeated one time and then it goes away.
No matter my age, that fear was present, consciously I felt it was failure that I feared most.
Failure still looms with me at 70
I think that lets you know the strength and longevity childhood abuse wields
No wonder we are so cautious, so sensitive, so vulnerable.
I have tried to change this all my life.
At times I took great risks and found danger and violence
I was aggressive but that took herculean effort, it was unsustainable and not my real nature
It’s hard to find the real me at 70
I have no clue who I was then or now
My perception is distorted
I can go weeks without leaving the house and not need contact
I have little community and I am wary of those attachments
At my core, I have always felt this way, this vulnerable around people
I was driven to succeed in life, that was my participation
I could excel, be a top salesman but not trust a damn one of them
I played the game to survive
At 70 no need to seek approval or fake the need to participate
This is supposed to be a relaxed time of life, I survived a horrific childhood but the loss and suffering have taken a heavy toll
Life is not enjoyable, I struggle to grasp pleasure, satisfaction or warmth
We are not optimists
Where would we get safe thoughts like that
Not from childhood
Hard to be optimistic when you’re being abused an entire childhood, physically and emotionally
Or believing things will turn out alright
Things did not turn out ok for us
Posted by rudid96 on January 1, 2022 at 6:40 pm
The sentence “We do not cure serious childhood abuse, we navigate the triggers, hopefully, make their duration less, then try to live in the present” resonates loudly. I begin this New Year, with the declaration that “I’m done trying to pin my hopes on the elusive promise of being healed. Rather, contentment is more realistically found in living into the aforementioned actions. That in itself is life worth living.
Perhaps in 2022, calm will do more than dot my existence, relationships will be more fluid, I’ll make that connection to Self without dissociating- then again, maybe not.
All in all, learning to live life with grace is a tall order.
Happy New Year Mindful Marty and other readers.
Posted by Marty on January 2, 2022 at 1:09 pm
Contentment seems beyond healing for me
To be at peace is something I do not dream about it seems so foreign so impossible
For me my thoughts and symptoms describe my trauma but the impact on my life tells the story
I avoid contact with people unless it is a necessity
If I could only enjoy a little piece of mind in my isolation I would be happy
Posted by fjones619 on January 2, 2022 at 5:05 pm
It’s very strange how listening to my inner voice has directed me to seek things that are starting to bring me to answers and hopefully more peace. Though it seems circumstances may be different my childhood experience s have left me sharing many of the exact same feelings and issues. I feel for 30 or 40 years I’ve merely hung on enough to survive life instead of really living it. I’m tired. I’ve gotten a life coach which has been a big improvement Over any psychiatrist or therapist. Now finally stopped fighting the urge to start a blog I find a whole other venue with some like minded people to share and learn from. I’m at a time where it feels like if I don’t have many breakthroughs now I’m doomed to be this way forever. Irrational at best but I’m desperate to change. I do get complacent when the awkwardness of living isn’t that bad.
All that to say is I feel so much of what you and this community are talking about. This is my life’s story as well. Thank you for being brave and selfless enough to share so people like me can get that much more clarity on our own situation. You have no idea on the reach and impact you must have.
Thank you!
Posted by Marty on January 2, 2022 at 5:08 pm
Thank you for validating my effort
Ptsd has a cloud surrounding it, it is a little blurry a little distant and a lot confusing thank-you for sharing your journey
This blog comes alive when we share