Ho Ho Ho: Christmas brings unresolved shame,

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/138063544813531301/

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Holidays bring depression and reminders of unresolved shame for me.

My trauma memories cancel this false celebration of family, Christmas.

I would rather not be involved in Christmas, in the celebration of how great family is supposed to be.

To the outside world, I smile and play the shallow role of a normal person.

On the inside, I resent what people have done to me!

I was born into the prison of a violent abusive narcissist.

There was no escape, no way to survive the damage, emotional and physical.

Fear, anxiety, and shame were my dominant emotions.

Critical violence was my father’s favorite game with me.

Life always came at me too fast, I was fighting a separate battle of abuse besides trying to be a kid.

I worried so much I puked often.

My nervous system was always on high alert, that little boy feared for his life.

I did not attach to another human being, my dad isolated me for total control.

Now, I am the consummate loner, I avoid people, contact except for necessities.

I lost the ability to trust, to desire attachment, to be vulnerable to betrayal.

It pains me to see the damage.

Feeling worthy is something I will never experience.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on December 23, 2021 at 9:54 pm

    Ah, Mindful Marty, it pains my heart to hear your state of misery. Not that I think Christmas or any other designated, holiday means anything to survivors of trauma. I’ve concluded that no matter my level of trying, there’s a limitation on the integration of one being fully healed. Sort of returning to that shiny, new, happy place. With resignation, I must accept that isn’t the cards. With great intention, oodles of mental health tools, and at times artificiality, I pass thru the holidays and life in general with the outwardly expressed demeanor. Truth be told, there’s an emptiness that no amount of therapy or do date, human connection can fill. The push/pull of attachment leaves a gaping hole in my existence. That’s what was the final calling card left by my abusers. Yours seems to be a deep, ongoing depression and isolation. How sad. Life is meant to be more than a replay of old tapes. Perhaps, accepting the peace, and momentary joys in the current moment is where we should rejoice? It’s not in bemoaning my aloneness or in your anger or isolation. It’s in the simplest, quiet smile that we outlived our abusers? Your grandchildren seem to have been able to walk a different path. That is another source of quiet joy. Intergenerational abuse is something from which you’ve deviated. I can’t say, as of yet, that’s mine to claim as well. I continue to strive b/c though I seem to be stuck with my lot, I can’t bear to leave my dysfunction as my adult child’s legacy to bear. It must stop with me. Thinking of you always in kindness and peace.

  2. I struggle but I do not give up

    There is purpose and satisfaction in not giving up

    Taking action in the face of expected
    Failure

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