Pixabay: lechenie-narkomanii
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“But here are two factors that are immediately relevant to trauma-sensitive mindfulness.
The first is fear.
Trauma can make us terrified of our internal experience.
Traumatic events persist inside survivors in the form of petrifying sensations and emotions.
Understandably, survivors become afraid to feel these again. Van der Kolk described it this way:
Traumatized people . . . do not feel safe inside—their own bodies have become booby-trapped.
As a result, it is not OK to feel what you feel and know what you know, because your body has become the container of dread and horror.
The enemy who started on the outside is transformed into an inner torment. (Emerson & Hopper, 2011,)
A second barrier to integrating trauma is shame.
Connected to humiliation, demoralization, and remorse, shame is a complex, debilitating emotion that often arrives with traumatic stress.
A person who was sexually abused may berate themselves for not having fought back—even though they may know it would have made matters worse.
A soldier who freezes under fire during combat is demeaned by others, and comes to feel fundamentally flawed.
Someone who is discriminated against can internalize the form of oppression being directed at them and begin to feel defective and unworthy.
Shame is a powerful, paralyzing force.”
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Don't Lose Hope on September 25, 2020 at 2:26 pm
It’s sad how shame – when WE are actually the vicitims – follows and torments us when we’ve been abused. So sad …
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 2:32 pm
After this post, I thought about my recent old trauma exploding and wrote this
Death will be the cessation of suffering for me.
I use to rejoice, celebrating all that I have overcome.
With this old trauma surfacing, I mourn my life.
It has been a testament to suffering, much self inflicted by an event buried deep inside me.
I have not lived a day since college without the fear of being betrayed haunting me.
Looking back, I shut down some emotions. They were not safe to ever use again, love being the most important.
Since college, I have never felt safe enough to love.
My life had a huge void in it. That hole was filled with fear, humiliation and rage.
I was a good younger guy, honest, loyal and proud.
Never again. Pride turned into public humiliation and enormous emotional loss.
Life would never be the same.
I needed support and help and I had no one to turn to
I was abused by my dad and like most men
We hide and bury our big emotional losses
I became a loner because of my abuse
I may post this but need to look at it
When my ptsd is active like this my thoughts can be very disturbing to others
Posted by Don't Lose Hope on September 25, 2020 at 2:35 pm
This is very powerful. I’m glad you are able to share from your experience here. It helps others with PTSD to feel so much less alone. Thank you for your courage and inspiration.
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 2:41 pm
I do not know about courage
I have overcome so much to feel so unworthy
PTSD, I have healed a few times and more pops up later
It has left huge scars that healing does not take away
I am a loner, I need very little. Quarantine is easy for me
I do not trust people after college
I went out to run a mindfulness group to help others
People can see I have dug out of a deep hole and have passion
My passion has disappeared with this last trauma
I am lost now
Playing defense
Venting
Sort of letting the trauma talk through me
My thoughts scare me
That is traumas impact
I feel danger around me when I know there is none
It is an invisible prison
Many probably thought my life was free and easy from how I write
Not lately
Posted by Don't Lose Hope on September 25, 2020 at 2:44 pm
that sounds like a very tough place to be. Hang in there and keep holding onto the hope that tomorrow might be a more peaceful (or at least less tormenting) day.
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 2:45 pm
Thank you for your kindness
Posted by rudid96 on September 25, 2020 at 3:52 pm
The nature of PTSD – it heals until there pops up more holes. My thoughts, the scars never go away. The fabric of life will always tug at those scars. In Mindfulness, staying connected to others that are walking a similar path, and using whatever healthy tools give solace, re-establishing connection to one seems like the lost spirit is possible. Hang on Marty. You’ve hit a rough patch. My experience – each time feels like That’s it, this will be forever. Life lesson – Nothing is forever. Much compassion for your pain.
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 3:54 pm
Thanks
Yes when the wheels come off, life goes haywire
It is different for me to be like this.
I let my facade down, and show my true vulnerability
It is scary
It is irrational
It is PTSD