Habits formed and practiced since childhood



My PTSD lay dormant until my mid 50’s, unbeknownst to me, subconscious habits formed.

How does a child know his ego is deformed, abuse hardwired my brain in survival mode.

How was I supposed to know, to value attachment, touch, hugs, and closeness over the safety of isolation?

Violence and criticism elevated my ability to survive over all other mechanisms.

Making friends at school was a waste of time. Dad destroyed most of them anyway.

My dad wanted total control, he tried to steal my thoughts also.

I hid my thoughts from him, I lived inside my head, the only safe place as a kid I owned.

Who was that child going to trust? Who mirrored trust for me in childhood?

I have healed an enormous amount in the last decade, my PTSD habits persist through all of this.

My room is my invisible prison or panic room, depending on your perspective.

I trust other abused kids more than normal people.

Being realistic, healing will not make me a happy-go-lucky guy.

If you offered me a meal out, tickets to a big game, invite me to a party, no desire appears great enough to leave my room.

My betrayals have left permanent scars, I do not care what psychologists opine.

We are not changing what was hard-wired throughout brain development.

We can navigate better, happy go lucky or trusting will never happen.

I am a loner because of 70 years of reinforcing my childhood abuse.

What habits have you formed?



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