Two days ago I turned 70, ……………


Two days ago I turned 70, anniversaries like this eventually turn to a look back.

Early in my life, things I thought meant the world to me are long forgotten.

Some of my narratives are about childhood abuse, the symptoms, and challenges of this disorder being dormant until my mid 50’s, then the latter after Ptsd came alive.

Another part would tout my worldly successes in a business and athletic career.

I am two different people, extremely different.

One has excelled as an athlete, in three halls of fame, free college, MVPs, and captain of those teams.

He is the confident extrovert, he transforms into another being when he puts on that uniform.

The other Marty always searched for a uniform like that for being around people.

He is extremely introverted, a loner, trusting no one, he is a people nomad.

One craves a crowd and leads, the other seeks solitude and hides.

Friends must know I am crazy.

I have been the life of the party. I have been afraid to go to the party.

Depends on the mood, dangers perceived and level of PTSD activated.

Probably a complex calculation going on inside my head.

Looking back, PTSD always brings challenges, symptoms cycle on their timeline.

Things that seem permanent, there is a fear of people that happens before thought.

I interpret that as part of survival mode, my mind subconsciously spends all its energy looking for potential danger.

That is happening before thinking.

My only influence is the response.

As you can see, engaging in things that set my danger signal off is not relaxing or enjoyable.

Over and over, I witness living in a hybrid survival mode.

While others relax and look for opportunity and connection amongst others, I stay detached, tense, alert, looking to get back home.

If I heal totally, will my nervous system relax, my survival mode turn off?



7 responses to this post.

  1. Happy belated birthday!

  2. Thanks

  3. I enjoy your posts, they make me think. The thought I’m exploring currently: When I’m in the grocery, hyper vigilant, what am I afraid might happen? What are the real chances of that happening? I’m wondering if considering this question with my adult brain, will it do anything to reassure my childhood wounded brain that the danger has passed? Kind of like proving to a child there are no monsters in the closet. It’s complicated but it’s a question I have been wondering about for awhile now.
    Maybe repeated reassurance will forge new neural pathways to overwrite the old negative ones? Part of the baby steps? Sometimes when our fears are examined in the full light of day they become a mouse rather than a monster. It would be nice if this would work.
    I don’t think we will ever be totally healed in this lifetime but we can see improvement.

  4. You are reparenting

    And I ha e improved so much

    I can mix and go out if I need to

    Before I was frozen

    All your actions and courage to improve is spot on

    We have to learn to change our trauma impacted ego

    We are not what we think

    Looking at a couple pics from my birthday

    It’s strange to see
    My likeness on film

    I do not know how to turn my mind off trying to
    Live like I am in a hybrid emotional war zone

    The threats are rarely physical

    Or real for that matter

    Thanks for your insight

    Many wonder
    Few express

  5. Posted by rudid96 on October 18, 2021 at 10:08 pm

    Hello Mindful Marty. I begin with a small smile and head nod to your strength in working through another year. The jolly birthday celebrations are not part of my fabric either. However, I’ll take this time to appreciate your presence. The blog, your chosen form of expression, and one that has been a source of knowledge and comfort. I’m enriched because of it. And for that, I’m ever grateful. Healing is subjective. Will the compartmentalized pieces of your being finally be embraced into a whole? Who knows. I doubt that my very separate personas will be reconciled. That childhood place of trust & safety is an enigma to me. I relate to the duality of our inside vs. outside lives. Perhaps living out my later years with integrity is simply an acceptance of the permanence of the damage. If I have read past blogs correctly, you seem to have accepted your solitary life. You have a past and a present. I wish you good health, and time to find joy in the things that ease your pain.

  6. Thank you

    I try to be at peace with the risks I deem safe enough to take

  7. I’m finding that, just like has been recommended, expression is a great tool for working through issues. I have many things today going through my ever active mind. It’s too bad I have to work. I mean I’m happy to work it’s just that …
    Anyway, I appreciate this forum, I’m finding it very helpful at this time in my journey.
    If I’m honest, and I haven’t been about this, I’ve had 3 major abusers in my life, one I’ve dealt with two I’ve not. Today was a breakthrough day and I need to write about it. It’s probably a good thing I need to work (I do contract stuff) because this new area needs to percolate a bit more.
    Thanks for listening. I wish you a good day too.

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