.
My mind has patterns, some good, some harmful!
From the earliest memory, my mind and nervous system would lock on to my dad’s behavior, that’s where imminent danger lived for me.
My nervous system was always alert, ready to go to Defcon five in seconds.
This was reinforced every day I lived in that house.
To this day, my mind will lock onto imminent danger, (perceived imminent danger) my mood races to extremes, reacting subconsciously to its perceptions.
My mind, my stored implicit memory, thinks I could be gravely hurt by the current stimulus.
It’s called PTSD and our mind and nervous system are wired differently, hard-wired in extreme survival mode.
My childhood was 17 plus years of daily criticism, physical and emotional abuse.
My brain subconsciously scans the horizon, spotting danger, navigating around people.
My attachments have always been shallow, I always depended on myself, made my own decisions.
My PTSD brain is rigid, anxious, and aggressive, that is a male trait I believe.
I do not understand how people can trust, risk betrayal, or worse.
It is beyond avoidance for me, I do not trust or have a desire to trust.
There is nothing in my memory bank that reinforces attaching to strangers or anyone else.
Emotional safety is the foremost consideration before I leave this house for anything.
I hate it.
I could take anyone afraid of heights up to the top of the Empire State Building.
All the focus and breathing and thinking will not shut that fear down.
You will not be able to calmly analyze anything, think about a dinner engagement, or have a happy-go-lucky experience.
You will be tense, muscles, tendons, nervous system scared to death. You are frozen, parts of the cognitive thinking are offline, rational thought is impossible.
Think you could do some algebra or thread a needle?
Is happiness a choice right now?
How long will a mind be upset from a near-death experience? Hours, days, weeks?
That’s what an intense trigger felt like for me.
That’s PTSD.
PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 6:23 pm
This came up after writing that post
The only touch I received in childhood was violence
To this day I do not like people touching me
It is a subconscious thing
That kind of warmth never happened in my childhood
Posted by Alana on October 16, 2021 at 7:00 pm
That quote reminds me of all the reasons that I can’t sleep. I’m so afraid to go to sleep and have nightmares that I just avoid it altogether and get exceptionally little sleep. I wonder how much better off I’d be if I just didn’t have that fear, if I could just fall asleep without the constant fear of nightmares. Maybe I would even have less of them?
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 7:03 pm
We all have different ways trauma manifests for us
I sleep well and physically do not fear much
Emotionally and trauma-related triggers are much different
The ceramic something happening and the relentless examination of why and how did we get triggered followed me for years
I feared the drama my mind would put me through for days after I was triggered
Life was hell back then
Posted by For the Love of Books on October 16, 2021 at 7:18 pm
I “like” that you shared, not that this happened. I can relate to the absence of touching thing although my experience is a toned down version of yours. Maybe part of the reason I can cope so well is because the memories are absent. My mind couldn’t cope with the devastation and still refuses to allow anything but vague shady memories. My body remembers. I read that recently and totally agree. I see indisputable evidence.
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 7:22 pm
Well do not change it
Mi had something that was hidden forever and it erupted recently
Others do not understand how our minds work
Not many of us trust easily
As your blog says for the love of books
Not people
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 7:28 pm
Holding hands would shocked me at times
Betrayal after childhood ended me trusting anyone
Posted by For the Love of Books on October 16, 2021 at 7:39 pm
That’s true, the trust comment. If I’m honest, which I’m often not, I don’t trust “you” (blanket statement) not to hurt me. That’s why I avoid going out. And when I do, I’m embarrassed by my triggered reaction to people getting close to me. OK, so now I’m upset just thinking about all this. 🙂
Posted by For the Love of Books on October 16, 2021 at 7:40 pm
I totally get it.
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 7:41 pm
Reality
Being aware gives a chance for us to navigate
Being in denial we will never heal
Be ok with your life as it is
Remember baby steps
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 7:42 pm
Your life shares many things with mine
Our challenges are similar
Posted by For the Love of Books on October 16, 2021 at 7:45 pm
True
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 7:48 pm
I would hide as a kid, never say a word
Opening my mouth was dangerous inside my home
I was damn near a mute growing up
When I improved the first time after five years my personality switched from introvert to extrovert
My dad had suppressed my true nature
Posted by For the Love of Books on October 16, 2021 at 7:48 pm
Also true,
Posted by For the Love of Books on October 16, 2021 at 7:53 pm
We become what we have to to survive. I’m still working on allowing the real me to surface. I’m not an extrovert!
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 7:57 pm
Well I am an extrovert who does not feel safe around people
I go back and forth
But I am an extroverted loner then
Posted by For the Love of Books on October 16, 2021 at 8:12 pm
I don’t think being an extrovert has anything to do with being alone or not alone, or trust either. I think it depends on being energized or drained emotionally. Even when I enjoy people (like my family) I’m drained when I get home. Extroverts feel energized by the experience of enjoying people. I think it’s normal for both groups to avoid what they perceive as unsafe situations.
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 9:34 pm
Nice exchanging ideas
I am honored you feel safe sharing
Posted by For the Love of Books on October 16, 2021 at 10:24 pm
It’s nice talking to someone who understands and even shares my weirdness. I feel weird compared to everyone else I know. Had to say that before I disappear to get ready for the video visit with my kids. Have a good evening.
.. mm
Posted by Marty on October 16, 2021 at 11:48 pm
You are fine
We need not soologize