Awake Dreams


This is a different type of dream, I am awake.

Meditation has allowed “me” to observe “me” from a short distance.

It is like watching a bad movie of my life.

I can see how trauma has highjacked my nervous system and thought process, parts of my mind, in real-time.

Everyone says this awareness and ability to observe me is a great step to wellbeing.

Our mind (Ptsd) operates in harmful ways without safety or well-being considered.

Proof: Hypervigilance, avoidance, and anxiety are detrimental to our health but our mind embraces the negative emotional thoughts that arrive.

We avoid, grow our fear, doubt, and worry to unhealthy levels.

We would quit dissociating into the past and future immediately if it was possible or easy.

It looks harmless, extremely easy from the outside, triggers are benign and invisible to normal people.

Only the physical symptoms are ever noticed by others, we hide our shame, sneak into the corner, avoid the spotlight at all costs.

We want to just blend in, to be normal, accepted, not so different, we feel like an alien at times.

Kids have no way of knowing life will not always be so violent, so demeaning, so awful.

All my skills have not tamed the beast yet, but I can see him operate in real-time.

Any thoughts?



11 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on September 27, 2021 at 3:29 pm

    The concept of “me” is very confusing. The best understanding of this phenomenon was from a British psychologist defined that was posted to a question on Quora. Her words gave me the ability to differentiate between the Ego and Self. However, even with this knowledge, I find that overload of abuse and neglect have created deep mental grooves that as you’ve said, Mindful Marty, have yet to tame the beast.
    We keep working on this. At times my motivation is only to end the intergenerational trauma and at other times, I dare to have hope that my Self will be healed and my Ego can relax.

  2. Simple Rudid 96

    True self,,soul, heart, is permanent, the same everyday

    The Ego is created, an illusion, an identity figure

    You can not trace the ego back to a source

    The ego is a figment of our imagination


    Marty is not who I am, it is what people see as Marty

    I am perfect, permanent, Marty is flawed, a mirage is not a real being

    It’s gives our Ego such powerful ammunition to control us

    Ego pushes us to avoid to dissociate, to be angry, resentful

    Listen to this self and we suffer

    I meditate to know the difference.

    When I learned the ego was created I saw the crack in ptsd

    Marty gets triggered

    Not my true self

    My true self is supremely confident and calm

    Healing is found inside us being our true self

  3. Posted by rudid96 on September 27, 2021 at 3:52 pm

    Though wording different, that was the focus point by the British psychologist I mentioned in the previous post. Yesterday, I met with my adult child. Trying to hold firm with this distinction while engaging in yet another round of triggering acting out is more than a little challenging. There’s a mental muddle. When calm, as is the case now, I can apply those distinctions. How does one navigate when triggered. Trauma for some isn’t one and done. The debris is scattered and the knowledge of the perfect Self becomes ephemryl.

  4. We practice when things are calm

    My triggers bring unworthiness not anxiety

    My body just kind of stops

    I can see my ego Marty fell shame and sadness

    It’s clear not confused

    I will never understand the betrayal, violence and abuse

    The emotions are all ego

    My true self is still perfect

    We just can not see it

    I know my true self is hidden in the clouds of ptsd

    Perfection and wellbeing are there Rudid96

    That’s why we never give up

  5. Posted by rudid96 on September 27, 2021 at 8:40 pm

    Marty, can you further explain the sentence “the emotions are all ego.” Do you mean the FEELINGS attributed to Betrayal, Violence, and Abuse are only a name?
    I’m confused about this.
    How do I acknowledge real events without acknowledging the real danger?
    If something tangible occurred is it misguided to connect emotion to that?
    I’d appreciate fleshing this concept out a bit more.

  6. When we feel pissed, angry,
    Upset, judgmental

    The Ego is ever present if not leading the parade

    These feelings suck for us

    Being pissed and anxious harms me if it happens more than once or twice a month

    Real danger has nothing to do with our Ptsd danger

    Ptsd danger is not real right now

    Maybe as a kid

    We attached emotions that are stored as implicit memory damn near till we die

    So these trauma emotions are stored during trauma

    Imminent danger fires the fight or flight mechanism

    Everything is stored illogically

    These memories are different

    These emotions are linked to our ego

    The ego fears death, fears humiliation, fears loss, ridicule, unworthy feelings, embarrassment etc.

    My emotions about a 50 year old trauma event are not realistic
    Emotionally based in reality or common sense

    But Ptsd does not care about common sense

  7. When I am focused, ego has faded to the background, my emotions are non existent

    I observe what my eyes peruse

    A calm without thought happens

    My ptsd is dead during this period also

    I need to expand this time frame


    The Ego is never equal to another ego

    Think about that

    We create a thing that never feels equal to another human

    The ego is the judging champion of the universe

    Comparing this to that

    Linking 50-year-old trauma to right now

    Ego is involved

    The male ego is even more of an issue

    So when we have a strong emotion

    Our ego is in charge

    It’s is most alive when strong negative emotions flow

    rudid96 notice how many emotions are present, their intensity
    Their judgments

  8. Posted by rudid96 on September 27, 2021 at 11:04 pm

    Thank you for your response. I need to print out your response. It’s a lot to take in and I’d like to sit with this for a while. The explanation is clear. The application is what requires contemplation. I appreciate your time and explanation.

  9. Others learn when we chat

  10. 100%. Thank you.

  11. Thank you

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