.
This is a different type of dream, I am awake.
Meditation has allowed “me” to observe “me” from a short distance.
It is like watching a bad movie of my life.
I can see how trauma has highjacked my nervous system and thought process, parts of my mind, in real-time.
Everyone says this awareness and ability to observe me is a great step to wellbeing.
Our mind (Ptsd) operates in harmful ways without safety or well-being considered.
Proof: Hypervigilance, avoidance, and anxiety are detrimental to our health but our mind embraces the negative emotional thoughts that arrive.
We avoid, grow our fear, doubt, and worry to unhealthy levels.
We would quit dissociating into the past and future immediately if it was possible or easy.
It looks harmless, extremely easy from the outside, triggers are benign and invisible to normal people.
Only the physical symptoms are ever noticed by others, we hide our shame, sneak into the corner, avoid the spotlight at all costs.
We want to just blend in, to be normal, accepted, not so different, we feel like an alien at times.
Kids have no way of knowing life will not always be so violent, so demeaning, so awful.
All my skills have not tamed the beast yet, but I can see him operate in real-time.
Any thoughts?
.
.
PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on September 27, 2021 at 3:29 pm
The concept of “me” is very confusing. The best understanding of this phenomenon was from a British psychologist defined that was posted to a question on Quora. Her words gave me the ability to differentiate between the Ego and Self. However, even with this knowledge, I find that overload of abuse and neglect have created deep mental grooves that as you’ve said, Mindful Marty, have yet to tame the beast.
We keep working on this. At times my motivation is only to end the intergenerational trauma and at other times, I dare to have hope that my Self will be healed and my Ego can relax.
Posted by Marty on September 27, 2021 at 3:41 pm
Simple Rudid 96
True self,,soul, heart, is permanent, the same everyday
The Ego is created, an illusion, an identity figure
You can not trace the ego back to a source
The ego is a figment of our imagination
He/she
Marty is not who I am, it is what people see as Marty
I am perfect, permanent, Marty is flawed, a mirage is not a real being
It’s gives our Ego such powerful ammunition to control us
Ego pushes us to avoid to dissociate, to be angry, resentful
Listen to this self and we suffer
I meditate to know the difference.
When I learned the ego was created I saw the crack in ptsd
Marty gets triggered
Not my true self
My true self is supremely confident and calm
Healing is found inside us being our true self
Posted by rudid96 on September 27, 2021 at 3:52 pm
Though wording different, that was the focus point by the British psychologist I mentioned in the previous post. Yesterday, I met with my adult child. Trying to hold firm with this distinction while engaging in yet another round of triggering acting out is more than a little challenging. There’s a mental muddle. When calm, as is the case now, I can apply those distinctions. How does one navigate when triggered. Trauma for some isn’t one and done. The debris is scattered and the knowledge of the perfect Self becomes ephemryl.
Posted by Marty on September 27, 2021 at 4:08 pm
We practice when things are calm
My triggers bring unworthiness not anxiety
My body just kind of stops
I can see my ego Marty fell shame and sadness
It’s clear not confused
I will never understand the betrayal, violence and abuse
The emotions are all ego
My true self is still perfect
We just can not see it
I know my true self is hidden in the clouds of ptsd
Perfection and wellbeing are there Rudid96
That’s why we never give up
Posted by rudid96 on September 27, 2021 at 8:40 pm
Marty, can you further explain the sentence “the emotions are all ego.” Do you mean the FEELINGS attributed to Betrayal, Violence, and Abuse are only a name?
I’m confused about this.
How do I acknowledge real events without acknowledging the real danger?
If something tangible occurred is it misguided to connect emotion to that?
I’d appreciate fleshing this concept out a bit more.
Thanks
Posted by Marty on September 27, 2021 at 9:28 pm
When we feel pissed, angry,
Upset, judgmental
The Ego is ever present if not leading the parade
These feelings suck for us
Being pissed and anxious harms me if it happens more than once or twice a month
Real danger has nothing to do with our Ptsd danger
Ptsd danger is not real right now
Maybe as a kid
We attached emotions that are stored as implicit memory damn near till we die
So these trauma emotions are stored during trauma
Imminent danger fires the fight or flight mechanism
Everything is stored illogically
Irrationally
These memories are different
These emotions are linked to our ego
The ego fears death, fears humiliation, fears loss, ridicule, unworthy feelings, embarrassment etc.
My emotions about a 50 year old trauma event are not realistic
Emotionally based in reality or common sense
But Ptsd does not care about common sense
Posted by Marty on September 27, 2021 at 9:30 pm
When I am focused, ego has faded to the background, my emotions are non existent
I observe what my eyes peruse
A calm without thought happens
My ptsd is dead during this period also
I need to expand this time frame
Ok
The Ego is never equal to another ego
Think about that
We create a thing that never feels equal to another human
The ego is the judging champion of the universe
Comparing this to that
Linking 50-year-old trauma to right now
Ego is involved
The male ego is even more of an issue
So when we have a strong emotion
Our ego is in charge
It’s is most alive when strong negative emotions flow
rudid96 notice how many emotions are present, their intensity
Their judgments
Posted by rudid96 on September 27, 2021 at 11:04 pm
Thank you for your response. I need to print out your response. It’s a lot to take in and I’d like to sit with this for a while. The explanation is clear. The application is what requires contemplation. I appreciate your time and explanation.
Posted by Marty on September 27, 2021 at 11:15 pm
Others learn when we chat
Posted by Secretdanceblog on September 28, 2021 at 2:48 am
100%. Thank you.
Posted by Marty on September 28, 2021 at 10:45 am
Thank you