The invisible Monster: PTSD


Yesterday, frustrations boiled over, something invisible, abstract, was dominating my life.

It’s called PTSD, not a birth defect or physical issue, more an invisible vapor that confuses us.

My current real-life is high jacked by trauma memories.

As I share my narrative with a therapist, friend, or in a group, I realize how humiliating living this way has become.

Who wants to be this vulnerable and detached.

Living in survival mode, worry, doubt, and spotting danger replaced feeling safe and attached.

I can not will this mess away.

In my pursuit of a cure, I can observe Ptsd from a distance, operating without my input. He sort of takes over my mind, my thought patterns, and nervous system, sometimes in a split second without warning.

I know these damn memories are 50 and 60 plus years old!

It makes no logical sense. Our defense mechanism has a flaw, it’s called PTSD.

Our defense mechanism, our right amygdala has stored trauma memories from the past.

These stored memories, put away under imminent danger have never gone away.

One trauma event can last the rest of our life.

Certain traumas have ruined lives, they never recover, death would be a better outcome.

That statement is my own, bias as hell but I have witnessed what PTSD has done to people.

In a way, I see our defense mechanism is broken.

Tasked with protecting us, our defense mechanism now torments us.

Look how the apparatus designed to protect us, haunts us.

I am in the middle of climbing out of this hole, it’s scary, depressive, filled with mental and emotional detours.

What lies between us and well-being?

Nothing solid, only some defense drugs and outrageous thoughts.

Somehow, I am going to escape this invisible prison.



3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on September 27, 2021 at 3:17 pm

    It’s so hard. The described PTSD physical cycle has plagued my life too. It’s awful. Mine usually is accompanied by some form of dissociation. It’s so disappointing to discover that after so much personal work, these symptoms return with such ferocity.
    Somatic exercises have made teeny inroads but to date, the body still gets triggered. I’ve heard that this is simply the body’s protection system to keep itself alive. My somatic coach suggested that this can also be seen with compassion.
    Maintaining a mindful distance may lessen the cycle but it takes a lot of work and elimination is unreliable.

  2. I have done year’s of somatic work

    Unplugged much but PTSD still dominates my personality

    I try to ignore it

  3. My daughter every day pushes me to connect in person with others

    Other people think me talking, risking, being around people will be tremendous for me

    I had a physical and emotional reaction, my triggers appeared to warn me of the danger


    My mouth is opening my heart in this meditation group

    Our hearts are closed, in survival mode our hearts stay closed, protecting themselves from attack, or betrayal.

    This spiritual, path feels balanced, and opening my heart is a necessity

    Opening our heart is not only needed to improve from PTSD but for any chance if happiness

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