You Can Stop Apologizing for Your Sick Sense of Humor!
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/498281146262541482/
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My PTSD symptoms have developed into habits, some emotions have been tamped down, almost buried.
I feel the void watching others interact, watching such trusting and kind emotions surface.
Defenses are down, they display warmth, I am envious, a coldness engulfs me.
I do not feel what they feel? Why is what they do worthless to me?
People laugh out loud, hug each other, seem to absorb great emotional rewards, valuable property. They smile and I guess life is good.
This sharing and community must be happiness. What do they feel?
Memories and terror are absent from their demeanors, their behavior. I do not feel safe, free, exuberant emotions, not in private, not in public.
I have no idea what this abstract thing they enjoy, it seems to fulfill them. Makes me uncomfortable.
They have some special connection, attachment, some secret communication of knowing, trusting. I think they developed this in childhood, the security they feel is also foreign to me.
I have not and do not feel these emotions and never would I trust people like this.
Why have certain emotions been absent from my life? When others have warm inclusive feelings, mine are cold, watching for danger.
Have they not been betrayed, publically humiliated, beaten half to death as a kid?
Oh, I love gallows humor, you have to laugh at what we were born into.
If you do not believe in reincarnation, childhood abuse sucks.
If I ignored my PTSD, did nothing to heal, I would expect to suffer.
Why does my PTSD haunt me after a decade-plus of intense effort?
I navigate life in a narrow alley of confusion, anxiety, and terror, finally absent of guilt.
Words can not explain the emotion of unworthiness at my core.
How could my friends understand my feelings, understand my words, or what my life is like?
How should I look at my life at 70, hope for healing by 80?
Sarcasm and gallows humor. Depression is so serious.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on September 15, 2021 at 2:57 pm
Hi ya, Marty. Hiatus while dealing with ‘out of application space’ and upgrading the RAM.
Don’t you wish humans could do something similar, give our brain an upgrade when attempting to cope (notice I didn’t say ‘heal’) from long-term PTSD? It feels like I’ve been doomed to walk around the same block for a lifetime. Some days I notice new things, some days I’m in a fog, but always, I’m right back to where I began. The only difference is now I’ve been gifted the benefit of recognizing that I’ve been here before.
UGH!
Posted by Marty on September 15, 2021 at 3:46 pm
I used to share my posts with some friends
That did not turn out well
I do not share my posts now
Inside my posts I share on this blog
Sharing with others is not safe
Not beneficial for our wellbeing
Hoping others understand is a pipe dream
We have to learn to keep our thoughts to ourselves for protection
The need for a compassionate ear is a lost cause
I received many things but understanding and empathy not so much
The impact of PTSD’s powerful symptoms from childhood, the lack of any help or support, was isolation
Whether it was them pulling away from me or me pulling away from them, my childhood was lived in terror.
How could anyone understand it give a shit
It’s is like pain, PTSD that is, both invisible, others can not see it, doubt its power and influence, they have no idea what a nervous system on tilt feels like.
After all my reading, meditating, and applying my tools, PTSD is still a monster
I have a memory of a decade to decade existence, that is seven decades Long, a lifetime, of experience, of battling and suffering
The devastation of one man’s life is what I share with my followers
I have been the most driven and optimistic person battling this for over a decade
My optimism has waned, I accept I will suffer and try to not get upset about it
This is what I have lived and known for 70 years
A therapist would have a difficult time explaining my journey, all my effort to heal by many so-called, specialists
And here I am