https://www.pinterest.com/pin/19351473389808030/
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I have been told that writing this blog is detrimental to my health.
I should not be focusing on my trauma, giving it energy.
It’s like they think we can turn PTSD off and not think about it.
When I was agoraphobic and my fight or flight was firing 15 times a day, terrified out of my mind, PTSD dominated my thoughts, my body, my nervous system, and my sanity.
Is PTSD like being fat, others feel entitled to tell you why you are a failure and how easy it is to fix their fatness.
My trauma has morphed into a volatile existence.
That little boy was always dialed into his abuser (father), always trying to survive. My brain shuts down normal thought every time a scary trigger erupts.
Ptsd has jolted my nervous system violently, has frozen my mind and body in place. Mundane thoughts cease, PTSD thoughts proliferate.
I try to placate people, navigate back to my safe space, keep conversations shallow and benign.
I have no interest in becoming part of their narrative, no interest in being obligated to them in any way.
Ptsd anger comes quick and powerful, once triggered you become an enemy, trauma does not forgive.
Survival mode means exactly that, mundane life is a battlefield for abused kids.
We have always had danger outside and inside our heads.
I have found with age and my body deteriorating, being weaker, PTSD has gained power.
When your beat violently and mercilessly for just being a kid, that is hard-wired in my brain.
How much of that do you think therapy is going to fix?
What percentage of seriously abused kids, suffering extreme violence or sexual abuse heal?
The world is filled with people suffering from PTSD who had decent childhoods but later suffered a crisis.
Many of them never heal, so we are the extreme cases.
Some abused kids end up in jail, addicted, dysfunctional as outcasts, having anger and emotional regulation issues.
My emotional regulation issues are increasing, I am more reactive and sensitive as I age.
Ptsd exploits any weakness it finds.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by 7oakley on September 10, 2021 at 10:05 pm
I am thinking that your blog has helped me immensely. Hearing you name that we will never be like ‘normal’ others, helped me to accept that. The yearning to be like them went away. Because, the truth is, I will never be like them. I can find peace sometimes for a while, but a trigger will come. And the physical reactions can not be ignored. The racing heart, lightheadedness and needing to ‘get away from this’. That is just the way it is. Following my breath, being here now, all are tools that help me slow down. It takes effort but it works. And yes, I must keep myself safe. Anyway, Marty, naming what is going on really helps me, and if we don’t talk, it will loop and I will think I am all alone.
Posted by Marty on September 10, 2021 at 11:12 pm
Thank you and kudos for your actions
Realistic goals are what we need
We fight for our periods free of traumas harm
We journey together and understand each other
Normal people will never understand
They are lucky
Posted by Marty on September 10, 2021 at 11:13 pm
You know your response it why I write this blog
To share and support
Posted by Anonymous on September 11, 2021 at 12:55 am
Upon furhter reflection I am coming to believe that people that do not have PTSD will never understand how we feel when we are triggered. I have talked to people about being ‘triggered’ and have heard ‘Just let it go’ ‘Just don’t think about it’ ‘Ignore it, it will go away’. Juist a thought.
Posted by Marty on September 11, 2021 at 1:33 am
Frustrating
Some people need an easy solution
It is how they stay positive
Look at the amount of time we invest fighting PTSD symptoms
Energy, risk, hard work
Our thoughts are totally different
Posted by rudid96 on September 23, 2021 at 10:43 pm
Hi Mindful Marty. I was wondering how you are doing? I haven’t seen your posts as regularly as in the past. Are you alright or have you simply decided to take a step back? Selfishly, you have become a very important touchstone in my world. Your struggles are noted. You’ve done amazing work. It inspires me to continue the healing work.
There’s generosity in using your own story to further in others an understanding of trauma in all its prismatic formats.
Wherever you are today, you’re thought of in kindness and concern.
Posted by Marty on September 24, 2021 at 12:35 pm
Thanks for caring
Sometimes I have nothing positive to share
I wrestle with my life
Posted by rudid96 on September 24, 2021 at 3:50 pm
I understand the battle. Just wanted you to know that you have touched people more than you may have realized.
Posted by Marty on September 24, 2021 at 4:15 pm
I am in the center of my hurricane
In the eye of the storm things calm
I continue to adapt and try new things to heal
Ptsd will not heal cognitively
Words will not do it
The spiritual path offers an alternate route
I explored the zen journey meditating in silence
Now spiritually opening my heart may help me release the turbulence inside my head