How do I escape being a loner? .

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My father isolated me as much as possible, that narcissist wanted total control regardless of the damage.

Abused and frightened as a kid, awkward socially, I had no close attachments.

Someone ask me who I confided in as a kid, myself was the answer. That has not changed.

This was an advanced class in being a loner that lasted 18 years.

No other habit has had such a sustained period of dominance. It has trauma as an anchor, a power source, which brings thoughts, anxiety, depression, and fear.

How can I describe my inability to trust except on a superficial level? My kids and grandkids are exceptions, I have no fear of betrayal with them.

The only safe place in my childhood was inside my head.

I did not let anyone near my thoughts, it’s all I owned.

I did not express them, I was mostly mute, opening my mouth could get me beat.

For me, “Marty” was my dad’s production, he told me who I was, what I was going to be, and how I would act.

My dad had more influence on the creation of my Ego than I did. My “Marty”, my father did not allow to exist.

You have to be sick to do this to a child.

Inside my head, alone is where I feel safest.

It’s how I have survived, I do not desire what normal people crave.

If I did, life would be miserable.

At 70, thinking I can change and feel safe and trust people would take a miracle.

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