Pixabay geralt
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On the show, “Elementary” Holmes eqates his brain to a computer with limited bandwidth.
Why fill up valuable storage with nonessential data?
PTSD uses different amounts of our bandwidth, sometimes a pinch, sometimes our soul.
Sometimes PTSD feels light, distant, other times heavy, suffocating.
It all happens inside our head, PTSD is part ghost, part monster.
At times I can step back and witness the irrational in action.
How I react to certain stimulus is more about my trauma than my well-being.
Does anyone identify with that statement?
We do irrational things at times, we feel emotionally vulnerable and frightened.
We react, feel dark emotions, feel danger, the unknown, we are kids again.
Wow, I wrote that, sometimes things come out without thought.
Kids again, heaven forbid.
As always, the more I stay present and let the thoughts go quickly, the more well-being I enjoy.
I have been doing this a long time, arriving at simple, takes hours of practice.
When PTSD recedes, life feels euphoric.
It’s the same feeling when my chronic pain receded from hiking.
My bandwidth clears itself with aerobic exercise and medication focus.
Release, let the shit go, knowing, being present, doing nothing, is better than momentary pleasure.
I can write this, but fail to live it.
It’s a war, most never see it.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on September 1, 2021 at 3:07 pm
Of course, I can identify with this post! The fact that this all happens in our heads makes me feel unsteady, looney, and broken. It’s scary reacting to events of the past in the present time. That’s when one feels looney and broken. When my PTSD is light, using as you described, ‘only a pinch’ I really believe it receded and I’m healed. This has proven to be problematic for two reasons; the first being that to date, when triggered, it’s always returned in all its glory, and second, if I experience a good patch, I find that there’s a loss of identity. I’ve lived this way so long that there’s an empty quality. Feeling ‘normal’ is tenuous. For certain I blend well into society but inside, I’m that wounded woman-child that desires closer, authentic connection and finds tolerating it challenging. What a conundrum!
Posted by Marty on September 1, 2021 at 3:12 pm
I identify with that.
Presently with my ptsd receded, I feel my perfection, an ease of being
I know this is the seat of reality and where well-being thrives
My ego has also receded and his constant complaints sound like a whining victim
I detest that part of my ego
I may not win but my ego will never taste victory either
It is my combative me, forged from getting bear but never crying
For nothing else if I quit my father wins
That is not going to happen
Posted by rudid96 on September 1, 2021 at 3:46 pm
I’m so glad your commitment to yourself and NOT your abuser leads your intentions. 🙂
Posted by Marty on September 1, 2021 at 3:48 pm
My abuser has taken enough
When I can decide well-being over PTSD
Marty wins