Trying to Heal opens Pandora’s Box

pixabay viarami



Being in therapy, belonging to a meditation group, or trying to improve on our own, opens pandora’s box.


We are poking the bear, expect a reaction!


There exists no pill, no therapy, nothing I know that heals PTSD invisibly, without having to face our fears.


Childhood trauma has been percolating inside us for many decades, it’s been ugly, it’s going to be ugly when it leaves.


Visualize Ptsd as a great wall around the equator.


Ptsd thrives in the southern hemisphere, wellbeing flourishes in the northern hemisphere.


Our only path is over or through that wall.


We only lose if we give up trying!


Do you think we wake up one day healed, like new?


What does healing look like to you?



6 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on August 24, 2021 at 3:42 pm

    “What does healing look like to me?”
    I don’t know. Today I’m feeling rather low. I can’t even venture outside the heaviness to envision the possibility.
    Today, at this moment, I envision more of the same modest, short-lived ups and unpleasant downs.
    What I do envision is leading the rest of my days in a sort of worthlessness.
    So many places and people not to see.
    PTSD has left the stain of tolerating a limited number of people for very short durations.
    PTSD has left my window of tolerance for anger very small. It can explode to disproportionate levels.
    PTSD has requires that I work at using tools to contain and reduce the inner demons of sadness, worthlessness, & emptiness.
    Sometimes, I tell myself “this prison is only of my own creation.” I imagine working or socializing more, Then my body and mind rebel.
    How sad to be unable to whole-heartedly engage with life.

  2. Damn Rudid96 I could have written that

    Weird how closely your emotion and feelings mirror mine.

    Hey predicting the future is as bad as going into our past

    We need stay present as much as possible and not think
    Not judge

    I went to a birthday party yesterday

    Senior citizen, that makes me old

    It takes all my bandwidth

    It is preparing for the event.

    Going over all the possibilities that is tiring

    It is being in the midst of people and knowing how damn much different I am in the worst possible way

    They can enjoy relax and have peace of mind.

    I have one foot with them one foot ready to bail being aware of my nervous system and thoughts.

    I get so far inside my head it’s like I am not there from time to time

    Life has obstacles for us

    All the forgiveness, trusting, affirmations etc fall,short when my symptoms fire

    Unworthiness is right under the surface

    Anger can be volatile

    Revenge slips in at times and the level of hate I have for some people I know is unhealthy

  3. Posted by rudid96 on August 26, 2021 at 3:56 pm

    Apologies for the delayed response. I couldn’t find your reply in my in-box.
    First, Mindful Marty, if I read correctly, it’s appropriate to be sending you birthday salutations. As I’ve oft mentioned, I’m truly grateful for your contribution and generosity in the sharing of your blog, your experience, and your wisdom.
    Yesterday, for the first time, I finally truly understood physically, what you mean when you say the only place for peace is being in the moment or in meditation. Wishing it to be different won’t take me to that next magical healing place. My mind, my ego, my PTSD, all have too many places they can wander.

  4. The past is quicksand, it’s impossible to avoid everything

    Triggers thrive around us, in life, on tv

    They connect with our trauma

    So our wellbeing depends on us letting them go or leaving this moment to engage these thoughts (triggers)

    I use to distract when I was younger and working

    Now my mind has more time

    Yesterday Rudid. I planted myself in the middle of my unrest, a feeling of needing to do something, anxious and unsettling trigger thoughts.

    I resisted needing to do something, go eat something, go drink something, find a distraction, pace the floor

    I just sat and observed

    No nirvana did not happen or some great shift did not materialize

    But it is this habit that needs to be formed like it’s bulletproof

    At its core it is unworthiness Rudid96

    Never are we ok, are we at peace

    Never it childhood did I feel safe, at peace

    A hybrid complex PTSD disorder reinforces this abuse

    Think how many times you feel at peace, whole, confident in a crowd

    Feeling safe in a perceived crisis

    If like me my triggers have no physical danger

    Its in my damn head

    Abstract but he has power until this day.

    Meditation is the most in the moment event I do

    Nothing closer

  5. Posted by rudid96 on August 26, 2021 at 10:18 pm

    I’m reading and re-reading your words. Yes, like you, at this age, I have the good fortune to recognize that there’s no longer a physical danger. Cerebrally, I recognize I’m an adult. I have the choices. I can remind my younger self “that was then” and “this is now.” However, right now, it’s all too easy for my mind to let go and then my trauma body takes the wheel. The physical discomfort is palatable. Giving complete, unwavering attention to sitting with the trigger and not acting on it is an unpracticed skill. It feels artificial, exhausting, and dangerous. My body yearns for the safety of solitude. It is only then that it can breathe but then isolation becomes a prison. As you say, it’s all in my dam head. My work is one of reprogramming my body memory.

  6. Serpentine path

    It’s always a battle

    Peace of mind is out of reach for now

    UnPracticed skill

    It’s why we suffer maybe

    Trying to Escape

    I find myself fired up, with the mental gymnastics going crazy

    My mood changes

    I am vulnerable and sometimes respond irrationally

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