pixabay viarami
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Being in therapy, belonging to a meditation group, or trying to improve on our own, opens pandora’s box.
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We are poking the bear, expect a reaction!
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There exists no pill, no therapy, nothing I know that heals PTSD invisibly, without having to face our fears.
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Childhood trauma has been percolating inside us for many decades, it’s been ugly, it’s going to be ugly when it leaves.
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Visualize Ptsd as a great wall around the equator.
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Ptsd thrives in the southern hemisphere, wellbeing flourishes in the northern hemisphere.
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Our only path is over or through that wall.
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We only lose if we give up trying!
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Do you think we wake up one day healed, like new?
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What does healing look like to you?
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on August 24, 2021 at 3:42 pm
“What does healing look like to me?”
I don’t know. Today I’m feeling rather low. I can’t even venture outside the heaviness to envision the possibility.
Today, at this moment, I envision more of the same modest, short-lived ups and unpleasant downs.
What I do envision is leading the rest of my days in a sort of worthlessness.
So many places and people not to see.
PTSD has left the stain of tolerating a limited number of people for very short durations.
PTSD has left my window of tolerance for anger very small. It can explode to disproportionate levels.
PTSD has requires that I work at using tools to contain and reduce the inner demons of sadness, worthlessness, & emptiness.
Sometimes, I tell myself “this prison is only of my own creation.” I imagine working or socializing more, Then my body and mind rebel.
How sad to be unable to whole-heartedly engage with life.
Posted by Marty on August 24, 2021 at 3:55 pm
Damn Rudid96 I could have written that
Weird how closely your emotion and feelings mirror mine.
Hey predicting the future is as bad as going into our past
We need stay present as much as possible and not think
Not judge
I went to a birthday party yesterday
Senior citizen, that makes me old
It takes all my bandwidth
It is preparing for the event.
Going over all the possibilities that is tiring
It is being in the midst of people and knowing how damn much different I am in the worst possible way
They can enjoy relax and have peace of mind.
I have one foot with them one foot ready to bail being aware of my nervous system and thoughts.
I get so far inside my head it’s like I am not there from time to time
Life has obstacles for us
All the forgiveness, trusting, affirmations etc fall,short when my symptoms fire
Unworthiness is right under the surface
Anger can be volatile
Revenge slips in at times and the level of hate I have for some people I know is unhealthy
Posted by rudid96 on August 26, 2021 at 3:56 pm
Apologies for the delayed response. I couldn’t find your reply in my in-box.
First, Mindful Marty, if I read correctly, it’s appropriate to be sending you birthday salutations. As I’ve oft mentioned, I’m truly grateful for your contribution and generosity in the sharing of your blog, your experience, and your wisdom.
Yesterday, for the first time, I finally truly understood physically, what you mean when you say the only place for peace is being in the moment or in meditation. Wishing it to be different won’t take me to that next magical healing place. My mind, my ego, my PTSD, all have too many places they can wander.
Posted by Marty on August 26, 2021 at 5:26 pm
The past is quicksand, it’s impossible to avoid everything
Triggers thrive around us, in life, on tv
They connect with our trauma
So our wellbeing depends on us letting them go or leaving this moment to engage these thoughts (triggers)
I use to distract when I was younger and working
Now my mind has more time
Yesterday Rudid. I planted myself in the middle of my unrest, a feeling of needing to do something, anxious and unsettling trigger thoughts.
I resisted needing to do something, go eat something, go drink something, find a distraction, pace the floor
I just sat and observed
No nirvana did not happen or some great shift did not materialize
But it is this habit that needs to be formed like it’s bulletproof
At its core it is unworthiness Rudid96
Never are we ok, are we at peace
Never it childhood did I feel safe, at peace
A hybrid complex PTSD disorder reinforces this abuse
Think how many times you feel at peace, whole, confident in a crowd
Feeling safe in a perceived crisis
If like me my triggers have no physical danger
Its in my damn head
Abstract but he has power until this day.
Meditation is the most in the moment event I do
Nothing closer
Posted by rudid96 on August 26, 2021 at 10:18 pm
I’m reading and re-reading your words. Yes, like you, at this age, I have the good fortune to recognize that there’s no longer a physical danger. Cerebrally, I recognize I’m an adult. I have the choices. I can remind my younger self “that was then” and “this is now.” However, right now, it’s all too easy for my mind to let go and then my trauma body takes the wheel. The physical discomfort is palatable. Giving complete, unwavering attention to sitting with the trigger and not acting on it is an unpracticed skill. It feels artificial, exhausting, and dangerous. My body yearns for the safety of solitude. It is only then that it can breathe but then isolation becomes a prison. As you say, it’s all in my dam head. My work is one of reprogramming my body memory.
Posted by Marty on August 26, 2021 at 11:28 pm
Serpentine path
It’s always a battle
Peace of mind is out of reach for now
UnPracticed skill
It’s why we suffer maybe
Trying to Escape
I find myself fired up, with the mental gymnastics going crazy
My mood changes
I am vulnerable and sometimes respond irrationally