Child abuse and Mornings




Mornings were scary for me as a kid, if only I could hide under the covers, safe from abuse, criticism, and danger.

As an adult morning brings an unknown danger, an uneasy feeling, a tacit memory of past trauma flooding my day.

Inside my head, the internal battle of trauma, anxiety, and fear hardwired my brain and carried me into adulthood.

I have two brains, one kind of normal and a traumatized brain that runs on its own.

Without input from me, my traumatized brain runs by himself, exploding when he wants, deluging me with intrusive thoughts when he wants.

I control my reaction to Ptsd, to my traumatized brain, that’s all.

My traumatized brain operates in survival mode, many normal brain functions are offline and unavailable.

My symptoms start with intrusive thoughts combined with low levels of our fear drugs (Cortisol and Adrenaline) being secreted.

Instead of danger, my PTSD brings worthlessness and shame.

Depression, anger, and revenge are my emotions, not fear or anxiety.

Until I shut down my fight or flight mechanisms from firing, my emotions were fear and anxiety.

Now, I navigate around certain triggers, find distractions in reading and writing, hiking, and meditating.

My life would bring great suffering for a non-traumatized person.

Being able to function, work, not isolate or avoid strong fight or flight explosions would be near impossible for a normal person.

The drastic change in their nervous systems and the flood of intrusive thoughts would paralyze them.

I bet many kids, seriously abused, would never wish to be born again, risking this kind of life long-suffering.

For us, you can keep reincarnation, we have suffered enough in this life.

Still suffering from PTSD at 70, what is the purpose of my life?

Some abused kids never have a chance.



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