Traumatized and non-traumatized Ego’s



Since early childhood when my “Ego” was created, he knew he was damaged, life was filled with turmoil and violence.

My “Ego” had great influence from a narcissistic parent, he tried to shape me into his human toy, a life-like action figure to make him look good.

It has taken a decade of intense meditation and therapy to uncover all of this turmoil.

Happiness for me is unrecognizable to a non-traumatized person.

My intrusive thought patterns would drive a non traumatized person out of his/her mind.

In a gallows humor moment, I wish friends could experience my thoughts for a day.

What we have learned to endure, trying to improve a little more each day, brings satisfaction others will never understand.

I have squeezed out satisfaction with little arrogance, an inflated part of my Ego knowing not many could find meaning in the middle of this mess.

Friends have opined how terrible my life is, that is a view from a non-traumatized life. I have no idea what a life without abuse feels like.

Inside our heads, the emotional violence is numbing, almost paralyzing.

Others will never understand. This is part of our journey, feeling like an outcast.

Yes, our unworthiness is palpable, right below the surface, fear and anxiety are ever-present.

Waking up in the morning, the fear of the unknown haunts us, from childhood we know pain arrives without our input, abuse is part of being alive.

How would you define happiness for us?

Inside my head, happiness comes when I can let go and feel calm inside.

Feeling safe around people, taking risks, trusting, is not part of happiness for me.

Happiness and childhood abuse rarely mix.

My Ego is damaged, but he feels others could not survive his abuse and life.

A crazy arrogance only childhood abuse can illicit.



3 responses to this post.

  1. The more I have read and studied, the more work on healing and what healing entails I have touched

    The more evident how lives could be so different

    Our nervous system has an enlarged amygdala for spotting danger,

    A traumatized kid is in constant alert, recognizing twice as much danger if not more than a regular kid

    The internal dialogue is not one looking for attachment or enjoying life, we plan to avoid or survive the next crisis

    Out thoughts patterns could not be more didferent

    Calm is something that exists for milliseconds

    Unworthiness, chances for humiliation and ridicule dominate our thoughts before acting

    We are not spontaneous, we want to control, our way of navigating life

    Criticism scares us worse than death, our core has been damaged, our brain structure changed,

    Worry and doubt are never far away

    We witness others trusting, feeling safe,

    I do not have these feelings

    I have never had these feelings

    I was never safe a day of my childhood

    It has taken a long time to understand the reason I am like I am

  2. Posted by rudid96 on August 15, 2021 at 3:51 pm

    Yes, it takes a LONG time to unravel all the threads of abuse. If we’re actively engaged in healing (and I use this term as a euphemism) we meet therapists, coaches, healers, and other survivors. Some of the above-mentioned offer new coping mechanisms & ways to reframe the trauma. Others help us feel less alone. It’s been my experience that connecting to the daily potpourri of trauma thoughts rattling around in my head is uniquely personal. Just the other day, a friend of mine shared a link to something she found helpful. She couldn’t understand why it didn’t resonate with me. Deep trauma must be addressed on a different level.

  3. Well yes

    The solutions and easy fixes others who have good Intentions

    But as we know. This illuminates my point

    Things that impact them do nothing for us

    I do not know what I e day if being min traumatized looks like feels like

    We will never know and they have no clue what horror lives inside out head

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