https://pixabay.com/users/analogicus-8164369/
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Relationships will always be difficult for abused kids. The experts tell us so.
PTSD was dormant until my late 50’s. The core trauma was alive in my subconscious, impacting my nervous system and behavior.
A family crisis released my childhood trauma, it exploded into consciousness. I would have trouble from that day being able to have friends.
I was not available, did not want to go out and be part of a friendship or group.
We cannot cultivate when our PTSD is at gale force.
Being agoraphobic limited my life and changed my marriage. Having triggers explode, paralyzed me, numbed me, and sharing the experience scared my partner even more.
My relationships were strained from mood swings, episodes of triggers isolated me while fear and anxiety changed my personality.
Finally, I see it was next to impossible to be a close friend.
This is more wreckage childhood PTSD has caused or I have caused. I guess they are the same person.
Life has always seemed out of control, I was always trying to catch up but an invisible demon-haunted me.
My life has been filled with turmoil, escaping PTSD symptoms has not gone well.
I struggle with relationships because I struggle mightily for any well-being.
Some of my past is a mess and I have responsibility for that mess.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on August 4, 2021 at 3:33 pm
I identify with so much of what you post. I’m not filled with as much rage but the self-enforced isolation, trust issues, and disconnect are all there. Additionally, my life didn’t truly blow up until somewhere in my 50s. Then, years of grooming and present-day stressors and trauma erupted. The past 5 years were a beginning of sorts. Because I’m the product of a narcissistic parent, all my decisions; including the selection of a life partner have been colored by that grooming. I find myself cycling thru despair, loneliness, rage, hope, numbness, and occasionally, tentative joy. However, that’s experienced thru nature, animals, and some outdoor activities. Have you ever wondered what you might have been like if things were different?
Posted by Marty on August 4, 2021 at 4:00 pm
Rudid
I watch my 8 year old grandson and his ten year old brother receive love and support
They can act out and are free to express themselves
I look in amazed
My life has been tumultuous
Wow big word for a big damn mess
I am great when my ptsd is at bay
I am in a dark place where I wish for death so being there for friends or carrying on a regular conversation is hard
I can not fake I am ok and make idle conversation
So many holes in our personality
Rage eh
Oh my
I deny nothing out right
My breakthrough is
Loss equal worthlessness
Without that belief some of my trauma dies
I assumed the biggest loss of my life
It was someone else’s behavior
I had no loss and therefore no
Worthlessness
We assume a lot
Guilt is part of our soul
Wow that rings loud
Posted by Marty on August 4, 2021 at 4:14 pm
Your life mirrors mine
No wonder my writing ideals to you
I could have written that response
We are not inferior but we sure are different and not in a good way
Somehow I wish I saw that living alone without a mate was the only way to navigate life
I felt like a failure if I did not have at least a girlfriend
Posted by mick8535 on August 5, 2021 at 2:28 am
Hi Marty, as always, thank you so much for your words of truth and your willingness to be vulnerable. This post hit me over the head like a freight train. This is me and the last (final) two years of my marriage. I fell in love and got married at 40 years old. First time I ever allowed anyone to be that close. The 16 years of our marriage were not perfect, but the work I had to do to make it work (especially in the space of my many screw ups that could be directly traced to having a stunted sense of appropriate conduct from my long-held C-PTSD),
A few years ago, when my mother was still allive I made an attempt to connect with her to get some unanswered questions answered, things were I had nothing but a black hole (where most people have ether a narrative or memories in place) — she wound up telling me things about the way she grew up that blew my mind, she was raped by her mother’s paramour at 14y/o with her mother’s blessing and knowledge, being sent to live with a relative(s), in whose home she was scapegoated and put through constant emotional tourture…. and more. I think my mother thought she was doing me a favor by never telling me about her childhood stuff, yet telling me* nothing* also was hugely damaging to my psyche.
THIS I am finding is what generational trauma does/is. I had never experienced these experiences yet they blew my mind as if I was there. And I brought the reactions and responses home to my wife. I can’t even tell you how many times we got into I N T E N S E fights, how often I dissociated, no idea who was screaming and yelling (me), I didn’t recognize myself.
My poor wife, she didn’t ask for this, yet she threw me out after two years of this distress and turmoil with me. I feel like she gave up on us. I had every intention of doing the work (I still am, it’s not easy, but I am seeing progress, though I am lonely AF without her). I had a vision of us growing old together, no matter what shit went down, but she refused to go to couple’s counseling, and even though I am aMH professional, social worker, I certainly coudn’t do the interpersonal work we needed done, it required the skills of a good marriage counselor to untangle the layers of grief and heartache we were experiencing.
It’s all gone, thrown to the wind. I am sad, I want to be with her, not divorced, but she is not willing to ride the turbulence of the waves I brought forth into our marriage.
Posted by Marty on August 5, 2021 at 2:48 pm
Sorry for your loss Mick
I have no words that can fix it
I also have turmoil
It’s like we are different when PTSD is at gale force
I am guilty also
We need to heal more before we can be a good partner
Your mother has a serious complex, PTSD
She did the best she could and her being able to bottle all that up to protect you speaks of a very deep love for you
She did her best it looks like
She had no chance as a kid
Sad we lost the lottery of birth