Control: another side most do not see



Someone in the Kundalini meditation group commented, that my childhood abuse and betrayal in college, was out of my control.

He thought that was key to absolving me and thus breakthrough healing.

I guess that’s what it looks like from afar.

Actually, having no control over being abused in childhood then betrayed in college, brought doubt, worry, and fear.

I was not even there when my girlfriend had sex with 15 guys, but I damn sure was publicly humiliated.

I controlled the risk of ever being betrayed in a relationship again, I never trusted my future mates. My first venture into love would be my last, I did not even realize you could be destroyed by a mate’s actions.

I guess, abused kids are addicted to control, trying to limit risk and avoid betrayal at all costs.

We sabotage our own lives, make decisions based upon fear, I am guilty. Betrayal thoughts brought intense bodily reactions, strong emotions of anger and hate.

Control has damaged my life, I can not figure out if too little or too much was the cause?

I am always on guard for the unknown betrayal or attack. Feeling safe has never existed for me, I was in danger around my dad, everyday.

Normal people think they have a certain amount of control in their lives, that delusion lives a lifetime for them.

We have no control.

Remember that tsunami in Japan, where a small village on the coast was wiped out, two in the morning, residents asleep in bed, thinking they were in control, safe.

Childhood abuse exists in my earliest memories, I controlled nothing, I was innocent, a kid, he even tried to steal my thoughts.

Billionaires can get cancer, have a mental illness, lose family and suffer just like us, no control, they just have more influence and protection.



4 responses to this post.

  1. A few more thoughts

    So every time a future mate was out of my sight, I feared what could happen

    I worried that I would hear men bragging, demeaning, degrading Me

    For me that intense fear never left

    I was reliving my betrayal without knowing the cause

    How can you ever trust another

    I never have after college

  2. This subject keeps my brain churning

    Without a conscious decision.

    Love to me, my only experience with trying to love a mate, turned out with my mate having sex with many men followed by public humiliation

    That’s all I knew about love the rest of my life. Love was being betrayed in the worst way

    It was the unknown, we were a couple, happy, then one night with me in the dark, her actions destroyed two lives.

    To say I did nothing to deserve it, is evident

    The unknown haunts me every day.

    That manifested not trusting

    Things did not work out in childhood, things did not work out in college

    I marvel at how men trust the woman they are with

    Most men have never lost in a horrendous public way

    I must have been a big disappointment for my future mates.

    I was incapable of trust, love, I have no clue what love is

    I can say the only love I ever felt was for my kids, period

    And that’s a different kind of love

    The chances of my kids betraying me are small

    It is the one risk I take with people

    Betrayal has taken so much..

    I do not know how to get out of this hole

  3. Posted by 7oakley on July 30, 2021 at 5:15 pm

    We have a bingo here Marty, “I am always on guard for the unknown betrayal or attack. Feeling safe has never existed for me,” For me the body’s reactions are what really get the fear mind going. But, from your safe place here, I am getting to where I can observe the body and the mind and then decide what I am going to do, or not do, next. Daily, ongoing, never stops. But this place I am in now is better than where I was before. I feel gratitude:)

  4. Bingo

    Observing works much better than trying to destroy or make them go away

    I tried so hard but things got worse


    Being complete awareness not only to the gratitude but what small change brought gratitude

    What started the body sensations

    I use to be primed before entering a trigger area

    Like I was looking for a trigger

    We become experts at spotting danger

    Life is scary for us as others search for enjoyment and purpose

    Our purpose is spotting danger, turns the survival mode on

    That is miserable after a short time

    We live in that mode for long periods of PTSD

    Thanks for the input always welcomed

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