https://pixabay.com/users/free-photos-242387/
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Fear of failing kept me alive during my childhood, helped me to survive my dad.
It felt like a symptom of abuse (Ptsd), like hypervigilance or dissociation.
I always knew physical and emotional punishment would be the consequence of any failure as a kid.
My father was brutal with his criticism, I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, not just win.
He did not select me because of my superior talent, it was his narcissistic desire for stardom through his first child.
This mindset has never left me subconsciously, I find it brings worry, and doubt to this day.
Can you find habits from childhood that shape your life today?
Fear of failure is jet fuel for the inner critic.
My father made my self-worth dependant on my performance, I could lose everything each day with a failure.
I could be worthless in his eyes by how I performed on a competitive field.
Fear of failure allowed a mediocre athlete like me to play professional baseball.
Oh, it is great for performance, outstanding accomplishments are celebrated.
Well-being is replaced with hollow trophies, self worth is all based on tomorrows performance.
At 70, I still fear failure at anything.
It is another invisible prison, like PTSD.
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PTSD - A Way Out 
Posted by rudid96 on July 24, 2021 at 1:22 pm
Ah, Mindful Marty, you’re father is long since gone. Interesting that his abuse lives within you but you’ve not mentioned that you’re excellence also lives and thrives. For one, this blog you’ve created here is one of excellence and helps so many. Your daughter and grandchildren are also
Posted by Marty on July 24, 2021 at 1:28 pm
Yes my father is gone.
The abuse lives in me, the excellence was gained from fear of failure, the need for approval at all costs even my wellbeing
I was raised on conditioned love
But there was always a new test tomorrow where my excellence means nothing if I fail today
Those trophies only worked till the next test
My blog bleeds viewers as my condition deteriorates
I am lost and in pain
Posted by Marty on July 24, 2021 at 1:54 pm
Another comment
My excellence does not take any shame or symptoms of Ptsd or depression away
I was puking from my abuse as a kid, as I was most valuable player at 12 and 15 in the state of Ohio
Those trophies only satisfied my dad for short periods
Accomplishment is a shallow trophy that has little effect on unworthiness or Ptsd
Worthiness is internal
My blog sucks right now like my life
Posted by rudid96 on July 24, 2021 at 2:43 pm
At this moment, you’re truly in the thick of it. I’m so sorry that right now, this is so incredibly painful. I gently differ in opinion. Your excellence is unrelated to your father, your trophies, news clippings, or applause. It’s something that lies at your core that differentiates you, making you unique to every other species on this planet. Your core cannot be extinguished as long as you’re alive. Back in the day, I, too, achieved career notability. However, I never once took pleasure in it because, internally, I was unworthy. You’re right; worthiness IS internal. The ghosts you lug about may be manifold, but in this second, you’re also free to toss them aside and breathe into current peace. Right now, you’re in a downward dump. You’ve been here before, but no matter, the tide will turn. Familiarity is not a cause for despair. Recognize it and speak gently. Your blog is, at this moment, simply a man expressing his deep pain.
As sure as I’m typing these words, this too will pass.
Thinking of you, Mindful Marty.
Posted by Marty on July 24, 2021 at 2:50 pm
My excellence is worthless to my wellbeing
I could be the most excellent person in this planet and it would change nothing inside
If achievement were connected to happiness I would be fine
I tried achieving to overcome my trauma
It has a short temporary impact