Ptsd: the roller coaster ride of our life



I have tried EFT, TFT, EMDR, hypnosis, cranial sacral, acupuncture, CBT, ACT, developmental trauma therapy, EDIT, holistic, internal family system, biofeedback, two intuitives, and some actions forgotten on the journey.

Over a decade I had three therapists, two intuitives, a slew of books, and five years at a Zen center.

There is a spiritual component connected to meditation that has been a big part of my journey. Mindfulness has been an anchor on this journey.

Months we’re spent trying to apply everything learned in therapy, in books, and online.

My effort and dedication were intense and persistent, I wanted to heal completely and dedicated the last decade to this pursuit.

I exhaustively read the latest about brain science, the cutting edge therapies, the exploration of survivor traits, the mindfulness (meditation) connection, the lack of focus on the body (exercise), the absence of daily support, and the never mentioned urgency that was missing entirely.

Frustrated to be at PTSD’s mercy again, stuck, in pain, feeling like I have lost my mind, life is painful.

Times like this, life limps along, I feel wounded and extremely vulnerable.

Giving up is not an option, so the next action is checking out a chemical imbalance.

Need to either confirm or eliminate this possibility.

After that I am out of solutions.



8 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Deb on July 20, 2021 at 5:29 pm

    I don’t have any great words of wisdom to impart, I wish I did. Speaking for myself, I know that if I make healing my focus it never ends well. I become way too self-conscious about every little thing.

    I couldn’t begin to read all those books you’ve turned to in an effort to better understand
    the brain, etc. I wouldn’t even retain half of it. The only thing that helps me make any kind of progress is to do those things that soothe me, or give me an outlet for my creativity. If I’m focused on knitting, for example, I find it so calming and grounding, and I’m not thinking so much about myself. I’m listening to the pleasant clackety-clack of the needles and feeling the soft yarn against my fingers. In a little way, I believe it helps me to heal. I’m allowing myself to enjoy something, as mundane as it may be. I’m not trying to ‘fix’ myself, I’m simply allowing myself to enjoy something with no thought about whether it will make a difference in my healing.

    The same is true of the stories I write, or any other act of creativity. I can’t focus on anything if at the same time I’m trying hard to heal. I know some may not agree with me on this but I’ve come to the conclusion that I won’t be totally healed in this lifetime. How could I be? The damage went too deep. The worst thing I can do, which I’ve learned through trial and error, is to allow healing to be the center of my world. What do I need? becomes the refrain of each day. Whether or not it aids my healing what do I need to get me through this day in a way that makes me feel a sense of hope?

    I wonder if you have any creative outlets that would allow your brain to calm? I believe anything positive and compassionate that I do for myself contributes to my overall well-being. That, I believe, is a form of healing. Sometimes just the act of making a loaf of bread brings me such a feeling of–I don’t quite know how to say it–a feeling of belonging in this world in a good way. I’m creating something that will feed me physically even as the delicious aroma fills my home like a blessing.

    You’ve worked so hard in your search for healing, it’s exhausting to even think of everything you’ve put yourself through! I would never encourage you to give up your desire for healing, but I hope you can allow yourself to be human along the way.

  2. Thanks for this insight and sharing your tools

    I need to preface that my life stopped Ptsd got so bad
    My fight or flight was going off 15 times a day

    I was agoraphobic and damn near paralyzed with trauma fear and anxiety

    I could not go out without being triggered which would launch three days of nasty intrusive thoughts

    That was my experience

    I thought my heart would blow up

    I have improved at times

    Meditation has been a cornerstone

    I used it to apply everything I learned

    One thing all that research and struggling did was make me able to help others

    It turns out more than myself at times

    I have chores like laundry that I enter and it relaxes me

    Hiking uphill serves many purposes

    Then times during the day are painful and depressing

    Right now I am lost

    Like a surfer riding a big wave

    I fell off and getting pounded

    I lose equilibrium and can not tell which way is up

    Have lost desire

    Definitely this would be good

    I need purpose

    Oh I agree you and me will never be healed

    The best is coping well and staying present

    Doubt and shame have been with me since a little kid

    The kundalini group I joined just points out how drastically different
    Painful our life is

    Our thought patterns are different

  3. It’s refreshing to have others share their experience and solutions

  4. I’m sorry..
    i really hope and pray you succeed in the next step. you have come this far, you are really strong.
    sending hugs and prayers.

  5. Posted by rudid96 on July 20, 2021 at 10:37 pm

    Mindful Marty, it sounds like you’re really having a difficult time.
    I was hoping that there would be an increase in the positives you were experiencing recently. So much of the work is learning to stretch what others (untraumatized folks) consider normal, daily life. All I can say is I’m glad you’re here, I’m glad you’re posting, and I believe you’re dedicated you will find peace on your journey.
    Hang in there, friend.

  6. Thank you very much

  7. Thanks

    I have given my all to therapy and meditating and all the tricks

    You have been reading for a whike

    I was super positive, high energy, supportive

    The guy who use to run this blog

    Days are long

  8. You’re welcome 🙂

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