A look at my childhood minus the PTSD

My father was from a family of 15, he was in the middle of that order with a paternal twin. My mother was an only child raised Catholic by two atheist.

Yea that’s a weird match.

Mom got pregnant at 16, had me at 17 and that was the end of their high school education.

I was raised by crazy kids.

Mom was a fanatic with religion, dads only interest besides a weekly bowling league was for me to be Roy Hobbs, from The Natural, the greatest baseball hitter ever.

My parents were out there but found a way to exist, divorce was not recognized by the Catholic Church, my mom was stuck.

Playing baseball was his total interest in me. Oh I had to get good grades, be damn near perfect and have my behavior make him look good at all costs also.

He really never had conversations with me, I either did something to piss him off or it was baseball.

He criticized and lectured, we never had a conversation, ever.

If I brought up an idea about me being something other than a pro ball player, Mom would say God made you to play ball.

I did not talk much, fear and self protection were the emotions used for survival. Why would I ever say something and risk his wrath.

School had knowledge, dialogue but it brought social challenges.

You can understand why I was socially awkward, I was damn near a mute at home.

They controlled who I could have for friends and dad did not allow me to date, in his eyes women were a risk to my baseball career.

If he could of branded me showing ownership, it would of been a big bold tattoo.

Years later I returned home from across the country for some event, they could not believe I was a talkative adult. I was an extrovert, who knew.

And yes I moved as far away as I could.

Some of this was abusive but look at their lives.

My daughter explains my mother’s dilemma, in 1950, unwed and pregnant, her future husband was a violent narcissist.

Maybe it was a life sentence for her.

Who knows.

As an old man, I am lost, life has never had purpose or direction. I do not know how to have purpose or direction.

I try to heal a little more each day but life is hallow and has way to much suffering without a purpose.

We all have our challenges.

Any insights, comments or opinions?

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by marella cahill on July 5, 2021 at 8:43 pm

    Marty I have followed your blog for many years now . I identify hugely with the devastation childhood abuse and the resulting CPTSD has impacted your life. Im in my mid 50s and for the last 20years since I had my first child have spent several months each year lost in terror, dissocation & brain fog. I had one psych admission in that time, but have been at deaths door many times, sometimes unable to dress myself or even speak.I was trapped in my own house. I was on & off medication several times, have been in several types of therapy CBT,IFS,EMDR to name a few. I have been in contact with some of the best trauma experts in the world. I finally have regulated my nervous system and have have found a calmness & sense of peace inside. Neurofeedback was the finally piece for me. I live in Ireland and I do this remotely with a therapist in the states. Im not sure if you ever tried this but for me it have been a life changer. I experience the world in a completely different way and I finally have a sense of me. Im a nurse and had to give up my career because I couldnt function and am not looking forward to returning to the world of work. It may be worth a try. Please feel free to email me if you want any info on it. I always believed Id find my way out please believe you can too. Kind Regards Marella Cahill

  2. I have done neurofeedback and my therapist wanted me to test others after I was finished

    Thank you for responding

    I often wonder how many quiet souls are following and maybe getting some relief

    I think my focus abilities are pretty good but neurofeedback did not change much for me

    I have done those other therapies and have improved

    Being almost 70 my resistance is not what it used to be, so it feels ptsd is getting more of an issue.

    I am happy to hear you have found a k
    Life changer

    Glad to hear some of us get reprieve

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