PTSD’s impact on my life at 70

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No sugarcoating, this is how my PTSD feels.

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I have no memory of having a direction, a purpose in life. My parents told me who and what I would be, a pro ball player, after that was done, I wandered without a rudder.

Dealing with PTSD symptoms, handling crisis, trying to survive, describes the rest of my life until now. Betrayal took my sense of safety, security, the ability to trust.

Someone chastised me for not having a bucket list yesterday, like I was void of human desires.

Is there happiness in any part of a bucket list? Definitely some joy maybe.

Fulfilling a bucket list will not change my PTSD, will it? Have not read about a therapy called bucket list yet.

I have no bucket list or desire to make one. With PTSD, traveling to some exotic destination dies a quick death, being at some crowded event, sports or otherwise, does not interest me.

Right now, I do not belong to any group, any church, any team. Childhood abuse and a college betrayal took safety out of my life, no group is worth the risk. This is sad I know.

Things were destroyed when I was younger, broken, people can not understand that. My thoughts are so much different that I feel an outcast.

Worry and doubt have always had a strong presence, feeling safe never happened in childhood, as an adult a hybrid of that emotion lives on. Not feeling safe is emotional now, connected to my trauma subconsciously.

PTSD’s manifests most in my lifestyle, I am a loner, avoid crowds and people most of the time. Trust is scarce, feeling free or happy go lucky has never happened.

Pictures of my mom, dad and siblings do not exist in my space, in my life. There are no good memories from childhood, no attachments then, no attachments now, to any of them.

It is hard to feel connection with caregivers who beat and criticized you abusively, then deny their behavior for the rest of their. life.

I would like to say my life is well adjusted with lots of community and connection.

My life has some calm joy.

It also is a life haunted by demons of abuse and betrayal at my core.

Sadness overwhelms my spirit somedays, I wish to be on another planet, in another body, with another mind, and another life.

Then, there are days I can distract myself and feel a little joy.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. PTSD impacts my mood swings I believe. It is hard to know because I am too close to my dysfunction and bias.

    With all the therapy, practice, applying tools and meditating PTSD is still alive and kicking

    Life is suffering as the Buddhist say is reality for me

    I grapple with life everyday as many of you do

    I have times when I do not want to be on this planet

    Having to live my life

    Having to endure the shit that has happened to me

    Somedays are hard

    I think most who follow this blog understand

    Somedays are freer

    PTSD has had dormant period, after years of therapy and meditation that was great

    Much freer

    Now since my college betrayal buried deep out of sight has erupted my life has sadness and shame again

  2. Posted by rudid96 on July 7, 2021 at 3:29 pm

    Anyone who follows this blog truly understands that “some days are hard” and “some days are freer.” One might think that’s universally true but it goes much deeper for those carrying C-PTSD. I never get a day off. Daily I prune negative thoughts, attempt to find places of calm, and purposefully bring breath into the hard feelings. There was a limited purpose for a girl child in my family; marry, procreate, & serve. This carried a double-edged cut. It allowed my narcissistic parent to manipulate me, to perpetuate the myth that competency, value, and self-worth were there’s alone. It created an inner child with a deep sense of shame, self-loathing, abandonment, and trust ssues. And so, my career has become a life sentence of daily weeding my mind.

  3. Weeding

    Oh I know that

    For me I killed a plastic cactus once
    So gardening is not a strength

    My ptsd is active and the online group dealing with inner critic has sent my thought machine in tilt

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